Look away!!!

So I just had a revelation that I haven't written a 30 Days of Truth post in for.ev.er. BUT I just can't think of something good enough to blog about for the next one...it's just so...UGH....

So I'm just going to avoid it. Again. Because that's what I'm good at. Avoiding. HA.

Aaaaaannnyway, I can't believe that my trip is seriously six days away. SIX! Six months ago it felt like it wasn't ever going to be here and now it is and I'm just kind of freaking out!

Speaking of freaking out...my mother is freaking out more than I am I think but she just isn't expressing it well. I get you're freaked out there mom, but seriously, no one likes to be yelled at for telling you she's going to a movie after work. Seriously. Chill pill. You. Now. Thanks.

I need to get some of this packing done. Procrastination just sounds like such a better plan though. I mean, keeping everything strewn across my bedroom floor just sounds like such a much better plan. Although, it makes me not want to walk in there. I literally walked in there to get a book for a friend earlier and I wanted to just turn around, close the door, and pretend that didn't happen. Instead I forged the massive mountain of crap in front of my dresser on the way to my overflowing bookshelf and hoped that I wouldn't fall and get lost in the dark abyss of newly acquired business clothes (BORING!) that would consume me saying, "haaha! You bought us out of pity because you need us to work but really don't want us. It' payback time." I need a maid...any takers? I don't pay but I'll give you cookies!

It's sad but my room scares me. Is that wrong? I mean, I shouldn't be afraid to enter the sacred space of Ellen. It should be my zen space right? Instead it's my "pen place." (hahaha! oh...pun. I kill myself.)

Hmmm...this ties into the avoiding thing that I started with. Avoiding my room/cleaning it. Ahh how life just comes full circle sometimes. :)

ZZZZZzzzzzz.....

The holidays are always a blast in my family. They are ALWAYS loud and ALWAYS full of laughter. Sometimes they end in major blowouts of ohmigod-ANGER! luckily that hasn't really happened as of late...PHEW! This year was pretty darn great sans a few incidents on the parental level and I was very grateful since I'm leaving and who the hell likes to leave for a long period of time with bad blood EWW blood! in the air? Although I am kind of leaving with some but that one isn't entirely my fault and it's sucky but I can deal with that and get to it later because YES I'm a procrastinator and an avoider which is why I have my stupid problems with depression, anxiety, and all my other crap....

All I have to say is that I got some pretty flipping spectacular gifts for Christmas this year. I know what you're thinking, "Dang Ellen, isn't this supposed to be the season of GIVING not GETTING??" Why yes, annoying voice in my head that always makes me feel guilty for everything, it IS the season of giving. I DID give things to people *dirty* just not as many things as I usually do because I be broke but people understand my poorness and aren't too offended. Especially the ones that tell me they'll hurt me if I buy them something...love you too Aunt Anne... But I'll, hopefully, be able to buy them all something from somewhere in Europe. Not to self: make a list of people I like enough to buy them presents.

So back to these awesome gifts. For realz I can't decide which one is my favorite! Like I said the other day I got a Eurail travel book for secret santa. It's pretty much awesome. Then I got a snitch locket. YES, I said a SNITCH locket. I about died when I opened it because who has, let alone makes, Snitch lockets?! OMG it was sooooo AWESOME! Well, still is because I still have it. I looooove it! Thinking about it makes me want to jump up and down. THEN my good ol' (no, not old, ol') friend Denise bought some cool stuff, my favorite of which is the spoon ring. I've wanted a flipping spoon ring for YEARS and I could never ever never find one so I was always sad but now the sadness can end because I have a spoon ring and she found it for me, awesome.

My momma got me lots of clothes, which I actually liked which is somewhat of an accomplishment because I literally NEVER like what she buys me. We have mucho differento tastes in clothes. Ironically though, most of them didn't fit. Too big...damn you weight loss only not because I really like it. But we went to the store today and we returned and got some new stuff. So, YAY!

I also got some books double YAY and some movies. lovelovelove!

So onto the 'drama' side of my holiday season. My fatha. *drum roll* *end drum roll*

He's a poo-poo head!! OK! I'm sorry for my crass language...

I don't even really know where to begin so I think I'll say it quick. I wasn't invited to his side of the family's Christmas party. BOOHOO. I was sad and everything but it was kind of a relief because I really don't like going there anyway because I don't know anyone on that side of the family because he NEVER invites me to any of the family functions. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Ask my mom. :P Anywho, he sent me some money for my trip, and no, not $20...which is kind of surprising because my dad is a cheapskate. But I'm grateful so that' all that matters...though I really don't know if I'm going to use said money because I just don't know how I feel about it...oh therapy, how I need you so...

BLAH!

Sorry, I was feeling it so I said it.

I enjoy the holidays, they just make me tired. Plus I don't think that playing 'Just Dance' on the Wii for like three hours helped AT ALL. But the shopping and the family time and the cookie baking...when does it end?! AHHHH!

And on top of it all, I now have packing to do. And shopping. I hate shopping. BLARRR!!!! Luckily I have people who want to go with me to spend time with me, but really, I call it, watch Ellen shop and keep her sane time. hehe ;)

I'm basically freaking out

OMG MY TRIP IS LITERALLY AROUND THE CORNER AND I'M HAVING A MAJOR FREAK OUT! (*salute Major Freak Out.*)AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WRITE THIS POST IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I JUST FEEL LIKE YELLING. I WANNA YELL, OK?!?!?! BLAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I seriously cannot put into words my excitement for Switzerland in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! It's coming and I'm NOT ready yet. I have so much crap to do it's literally making me hyperventilate. Why am I such a procrastinator?! Why am I taking this ridiculous LGI class at work when I could be busy, ya know, getting ready?! Again, AHHHHH!!!!
I think I need a slap in the face.

Or a shot.

Or maybe both.

But I found out last night that when I drink I just get more hyper, so perhaps a shot would be ill advised because I'll just end up dancing around my friend's apartment singing Ingrid Michaelson's "Be OK" for absolutely no good reason other than that's my subconcious trying to reassure myself so I don't puke everywhere out of sheer madness and fright of the coming weeks. Or I'll just stand by her huge ass window (hehe, ass window...) staring out at the courtyard with a blankness to my face while Denise and Si giggle about TextsFromLastNight. OMG WHY DO I DO ANYTHING?!

So, reason for the freakout of ohmygodness. I got a travel book. A goddamned travel book. Who in their right mind freaks out because of a travel book for the Eurail?!I'm so pathetic! I think I need a paper bag...

I honestly don't know where my emotions are lying. All at the same time I want to jump up and down. Then I want to scream. Then I was to cry. Then I want to run away and hide from all of the responsibility that I'm going to be having placed on my shoulders and all I really want to do is drive REALLY fast backwards so as to reverse the earth's orbit so that I can befive years old again so that I can not have to do anything and instead eat cookies and take naps while snuggling with my Pooh Bear. Why can't life just be easy?!

Iiiiiiiiiiiiii Can't Do This.

Ok, maybe I can. But it's just SO daunting! Somebody save me!!!!!!

Farfanugen

Yes, I just said farfanugen and no I will not take it back.

Some words you just gotta say and farfanugen is one of them today.

Today we shall be exploring why the question of, why in the hell do men not make any sense. Ok. Ready? Because we're starting.

This guy from my class (no, not annoying Patrick) and I have been seeing each other for about two months now. His name is Jason and he is a 23 year old frat boy. (Yes, a frat boy. I know you're shocked because who in their right mind actually likes a frat boy when you are not a sorority girl? Which he told me a should be btw and made me want to both jump off the library AND vomit at the same time.) Anywho...I like him and he likes me. He just doesn't stay consistent in the whole, I-like-you-so-I'm-going-to-make-sure-you-know-it game.

When we first started talking he was super flirty and super sweet. We joked around (a.k.a.-I made fun of him with my sarcastic smart-assery and he tried to understand whatever the hell I was saying) and we picked on each other for going to rival high schools. (Side note: St. Vincent-St. Mary kicks ass an anyone who thinks otherwise is a pantlicking fool.)

He asked to hang out with me a lot (which was a new thing for me because I'm a planner and boys I have liked tended to just wait for me to suggest something) which I loved! We would go to the movies and cuddle up next to each other then go to his house and smooch for a while. :)

Then I spent the three days before Thanksgiving break with him. He got so drunk he blacked out(don't ever drink three Fou Locos) and I told him he was being a total jerk (and a tool, but I kept that to myself). After break he barely talked to me or looked at me in our classes together. Lame.

The other night I was at my friend's 21st birthday and I invited him over to eat some cheesecake but he had to write lots of papers for finals this week. I said he was lame but that it was cool. Wes all gots to study, yo.

Later he texted me and said sorry for being evasive, and that he didn't know what I wanted him to say. He said he thinks I'm great but he isn't looking for a relationship.

SDFGTHUJKOLHYGTREFDVGBHNJKHGFDSDFG!
*and breathe*

First of all, I'm leaving the country in literally three weeks. I'm not looking for a relationship either. That's stupid. What. The. Fuck.

Secondly, I never told him I wanted a relationship. Alls I want is someone to hang out with and snuggle with because I'm a cuddle whore and I don't care who knows it. I told him I liked him and that I didn't see a problem with us just hanging out. I don't have any expectations-yes I know all men believe all women have pre-planned expectations because they are all certifiable, well not this woman (i'm still a girl!!!), I'm just certifiable.

So he said that was good.

Yes. Very good indeed, Ellen.

But where is the blazes does that leave us?!

Hang on, I'll tell you...

IT LEAVES US IN THE BIG DARK ABYSS OF EVASIVE LAND. *cue daunting music*

I mean, God forbid I ask and he think I'm still "pressing the issue" (his words, not mine). Why is it soo horrible to ask?! So now I feel like a ninny every time I hear from him because I get excited that he's ACTUALLY calling or texting me and then my mind goes into hyper-drive of "So he's calling me but does he REALLY want to be talking to me right now when he could be off in la-la land playing Call of Duty and killing zoombies/communists/zoombie-communists?! He could be doing anything, why in the name of all that is holy is he talking to me?! BLAAAARRR!!!!! I'm gross and stupid and annoying and I burp a lot. How is it that he is thinking, this girl could be someone that doesn't make me want to hurl a thousand chunks of hot pockets out of my belly..." (Basically this is the way my brain runs, and yes it goes further. Don't question it. Just deal.)

SO you doesn't want a relationship. Big. Flipping. Deal. You started off ACTING like you did, but I get it, you can change your mind. It's your perrogative as a woman. Just stop confusing the ever living madness out of me.

I'm confused. Perhaps I'll egg his house. :)

[Editor's note: I posted this, the guy read it. We had words. Now we're-ahem-"just friends" which is fine because he's been acting like an even BIGGER jerk.]

People bug me

I know I wrote already today but this, this I just need to get off my large female chest...

People are dumb. I mean, DUMB. I don't understand them sometimes. I'm lucky that there are a quite few people that are NOT so dumb that I'm lucky enough to call my friends. Thanks GOD.

Anyway, there has been this guy that has been texting me a lot the past few days. We'll call him Patrick since that's his real name. (No, I'm not going to "protect his identity") He is the reason for this post.

I met him over the summer in one of my classes. He's a sweet guy and he likes me A LOT. Sometimes too much I think... He texts me non-stop. Sometimes it makes me smile and sometimes I want to throw my phone against the wall so as to stop it from ringing off the hook...though it may continue ringing even if I did that because he probably has some supernatural powers that enable him to magically make my phone recieve his text messages even though it's in a million pieces scattered across my floor. Then I'll just have to fling myself into the frozen pond behind my house in order to escape his obnoxiousness.

This is why he bugs me. And no, I don't think that I'm being horribly judgemental because my friends think he's being ridiculous too...

1.(as I said before) he NEVER stops talking to me... EXAMPLE!

Patrick: Ugh, your day hectic?
(6 hous later)
Patrick: Sorry I kept you up last night.
Me: It's ok! (puts phone away expecting conversation to be over)
Patrick: I'm sorry, regardless. Of course, if you weren't so fascinating I wouldn't have had a reason to keep you up. So, technically, it's your fault :P (BARF!)
(two and a half hours later)
Patrick: You seem to be a busy girl tonight.
Me: no response...

I know that I should be grateful that a guy is talking to me and everything, but come on...this is a little MUCH.

2. He will send me like 3 texts regarding different things if I don' respond within 35.4 seconds. EXAMPLE!

Patrick: (12:36) Ah. Well, apparently, you don't see yourself clearly. Your mind is amazing, your (sic) beautiful (by my definitin, wich is the hardest dfinition of beauty there is), and you have a strength and perseverance that shoue be revered. I'm sorry if i'm too forward with all of this, but you should know the truth.
Patrick: (12:39) See, most ofyou guys would never tell you that because they know that most girls like asshole guys. I've never been good at being an asshole.
Patrick: (12:44) What?
Patrick: (12:49) I'm sorry if I said something wrong.

Ok. Here's the things. I was in class. GIVING A PRESENTATION. Geez...

3. I feel like he lays the flattery on waaayyy too thick. It's nice to be complimented, but if you say stuff TOO often, it just seems to be ingenuine. Is that wrong of me? I mean, he's making me feel a little uncomfortable. Uncomfortable as in I want to run away in horror screaming as if I was set on fire. That, is how uncomfortable I feel. Well, ok, that may have been SLIGHTLY over exaggrated...but I feel as though it is necessary for this particular sitcheation.

Thoughts?

Tell me I'm not crazy! (well, past the normal amount that I already am...)

Being a Girl SUCKS! (hehehe)

I hate being a girl. Life is just made wayy too difficult by having ovaries. Man have it way to easy. They just have to be worried about the potential ball crunch whereas women have to be worried about their uterus attacking them and leaking disgustingness for five to seven days. Ball crunch-avoidable. Period- not so much.

And yes I'm writing this today because my uterus has decided to be a ninja and sneak attack me. no I'm not one of those anal girls who marks her calendar for when her period is to show up. I just think hmmm...it's about that time and a day later it's like BAM! I hate it. Every month I can't move for fear of making it angrier...grr...

Another thing. Men don't have to give birth or carry a parasite around for nine months. What the crap is that?! no, i have no actual experience with this, but I have a feeling that if I ever get pregnant and give birth I will be berating the man who knocked me up...just sayin' They just get everything sooo easy.

Plus, men can be kind of worthless. They are stupid and confusing and they make me angry. This guy I have been seeing for about a month now has been messing with my mind and it's confusing the hell out of me. One minute he's all cute and I want to snuggle with him and then the next he's playing some sort of mind fuck that I can't understand so I'm left in a tizzy. Oh humanity..!

Another thing is that being a girl, you have to deal with other girls. Now, I love my friends that are girls but that's because they are like me and relatively NOT insane. Yes, we all have our moments but that's because we're female and we can't help estrogen. It's there. It causes problems.

It's the stupid ones that act all slutty that make me angry. Hello people, let's have some class so as to not set the female sex back 150 years. I think the women of the sixties are very angry with your for your brazen behavior. I mean, there's a difference between being liberal and being revealing. Leave SOMETHING to the imagination.

I know this is possible. I do it all the time. I am a member of the big chested female club and my nipples aren't flying out of my top.

That's another thing. Boobs. They are a major pain *salute-Major Pain*. I hate them. They get in the way and they hurt. Boys like them but girls don't. Although at work last these three girls came in to swim. Pretty much all they talked about were their boobs...I was highly disturbed... Being a girl is dumb...I do like that we're smarter though. :)

Sorry this has turned into an angry rant, but hey, sometimes it's needed.

Is it possible?

This is my question of the day: Is it possible to be so overwhelmingly stressed that you have no idea where to start the monumental amount of work you KNOW you need to get done, yet just feel so good and so happy?

Apparently, it is.

The past few weeks have literally been a blur. I have no idea how it's December 8th and that this semester is basically over. Thank the Lord, btw, because I really don't kow how much longer i could take all this learning... This week I had two days of super hell! So. Much. Writing. I never want to leave that much writing until the last moment again. Though sadly, I know that I will because I am a true procrastinator.

Anyway, I got it alllll done! I felt soo relieved afterward. So I went home and celebrated by making the most delicious chicken parm I have ever made (seeing as it was the ONLY chicken parm I have ever personally made...but still.) And brownies. YUM! I love food...hahaha! I'm so glad I have an appetite again...

At therapy this week I realized something kind of awesome. I'm happy. Do you know how weird it is to say that?! Because it is! I haven't said those two simple words in I don't know how long. I've told people they make me happy, but I haven't just, in general, felt genuinely happy. I've always had some stupid worry getting me down or something stupid that I thought was making my world crash down around me. If I've learned one thing over the past few months it's that nothing is as bad as we think it is and that if you just give yourself some time, you'll figure things out. I need to give myself more credit for things I do...I am a great person (she says so humbly...)

And I LIKE being happy. I'm giddy, like all the time. I make silly comments and silly faces and I just have fun. I try not to worry about what other people think of me because I can't be anything other than myself, and I like myself. THIS IS SO WEIRD THAT I'M THINKING THESE THINGS!

Yes, I still miss the butt face, especially since, for some reason. he has been on my mind a lot this week, and no, I don't know why. I told my therapist I had a weird feeling and he immediately popped into my thoughts and that I think something may have happened with the "hoe" because when they started dating I got a similar feeling, he thinks I'm very "intune with the universe." I just think I'm psychic. Same thing? But I still feel happy. I'm able to keep going. When he pops into my head I'm all like, CRAAAPPP, go away! and then I focus my energy elsewhere. Like, GENEVA!

Geneva is seriously right around the corner. I think somewhere in the ballpark of 22ish days. I didn't count on a calander. I leave January 3rd! AHHH!!! It's sooo close! There was a meeting on Saturday all about travelling and stuff and I just cannot wait to be there and see EVERYTHING because I WILL see EVERYTHING. This is NOT a want or a goal, it's a mandated, do it or die situation. When the heck else am I going to get to go to Europe?! Honest answer: probably never since I've chosen a career in which I will be supa poor! WOOO!

Anyway, when I'm there I'll be writing about my cool adventures. Maybe THEN I'll get some followers...and if not, whatever! :)

P.S.- IT NEEDS TO STOP SNOWING.

The End.

That's what she said...

You know what? I love my dirty mind. I cracked so many dirty jokes today that three bars of soap wouldn't have cleaned my mouth/brain.

It began when I was talking to Denise and my dirty little mind spun into action! She has this "lover" that I lovingly refer to as BAM! Yes, draw the necessary conclusions...you're not dumb. and I said, "Oh, bam...(wow, that sounds wrong)-whoch led to one of the greatest conversation of my life. We contiuned to say we were wrong but really, what other way is there to be?!

Me: Muahaha I love to laugh so wy not spread the joy?!
Denise: That too sounds like it could be dirty...I'll spread your joy... ;)

Seriously, dirty inuendos rule me life!

Which obviously led to the "creeping-on-other-peoples-cnversations" conversations. I mean, you can literally make anything dirty from eavesdropping...

An example you ask? Why, yes, here is an example:

Girl 1: Man, I was up all night, slaving away.
Girl 2: That sucks...did you get done?
Girl 1: NO...I was working so hard and no matter what I did I just couldn't finish.
Girl 2: That's too bad...are you going to have to go at it again tonight?
Girl 1: I have to, otherwise he'll think I'm worthless.

^^Bahahaha!^^ Oh, my dirty little mind...

[Side note: I'm really disappointed because I was looking online for some funny inuendos to add here but I couldn't find any good ones...Oh, internet, you sadden me...]

Anyway, I love a good dirty joke, so lay some on me! (DIRTY!)

*BURRRR*

OH MY F-ING BA-JESUS it's so cold!!! I hate cold. I hate winter and unfortunately I live in Ohio where the seasons are as follows:

1. Almost Winter
2. Winter
3. Still Winter
4. Construction

So. What does this mean for me?

It means that no matter what I do I have to wear about fifty-two layers in order to not freeze to death. It's always great because I look ridiculous. Uhhh...I mean ridiculously awesome in my lime green parka. I'm outside in that 'fresh' Ohio air and im shivering like an eighty-five year old with parkinson's. (omg, I'm a horrible person! I'm going to hell...) Yeah, it's so cool. (HA! No pun intended...or was it?!)

But it's that time again where Ohio is going to be colder that Antarctica on a balmy spring day. It's almost December (ugh) and it's going to snow. (NO IT'S NOT!!!) I hate snow...I think it should be added to that list of forbidden four letter words...it's a scary word and I don't like it.

The only reason I like snow is when it brings snow days. Which Kent does not like to give me. So therefore I am not a fan of it...

Things I do like about the snow:
1. It's pretty (as long as I'm inside)
2. I can make things with it! (like snowmen and snow angels!)
3. I can drink hot chocolate with TONS of marshmallows and not get weird looks for drinking in on a hot day in the middle of the summer
4. Snow days

Four things. That's it.

Snow is gross.

Ok, now I have to continue this list of "You know you're from Ohio if.." things because some of them are just TOO hilarious!

1. You measure distances in minutes
(HAHAHA! I totally do this ALL the time! I never know how many real miles it is to anywhere...)
2. You've had to turn on the A/C and the heat in the same day
(Oh, Ohio, what would we do without you..? Oh, I know, we would have normal temperatures...)
3. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a winter coat
(I remember wearing my winter coat...oh the good old days)
4. Driving in winter is better because the potholes are filled with snow.
(Driving in Ohio at any time of the year blows...)

I love random ranting...

Make new friends but keep the old

Oh bloggy bloggy blog...I've missed you so! I've just been so busy and I've been neglecting you...I hope you'll forgive me. I'll buy you some chocolate and we'll watch a movie and things will be ok. Promise!

So out of lack of things to say right now I thought I'd actually continue my 30 Days of Truth.

SOMEONE/THING YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT BECAUSE YOU'VE TRIED LIVING WITHOUT THEM/IT:

So I have this friend. Her name is Denise. I kind of love her. Like, a lot. I've known her since we were super little. We used to live three houses down from eachother until I had to move...(sad).

Growing up we did lots of things together. We would hang out after school (sometimes us and her boyfriend at which point they would start making out while I was trying to talk to her, at which point I would trail off into silence...)

We were totally awesome swim team kids! We would smim our little hearts out at the ass-crack of dawn and help heat up the pool water... :) We'd also make up songs about potatoes and sing about breadsticks. YUM! After swim practice we'd read Harry Potter. That was awesome. Oh the good ol' days...

Anyway, we started high school and kind of drifted... We both became consumed by work, school, boys, and new friends. But we always had summer. Not too long after that we started college and then we had a few years apart. I didn't realize just how much I missed her until we reconnected this past spring.

We reconnected under sad times but we totally got through things together. I'm so glad that we talk and see each other on a regular basis. She makes me laugh and smile and feel good about myself. She doesn't make fun of me when I do something/say something completely stupid(because I do that ALL THE TIME). We like to cook together. She even has a cooking blog!

I kind of love her. She's pretty cool. :)

I mean, who else would dress up like this with me?!



We're kind of awesome...



You should be totally jealous about how hot we are!

OH Humanity...

I'm always surprised with myself that I get surprised at the idiocies (idiocracy? idiocracys? who the heck cares?!) of people...People do stupid things and it makes me want to punch them in the face. Grr....

Example 1!

So I work as a lifeguard at a wellness center where I pretty much watch old annoying people bob above the water for 45 minutes. And no I'm not kidding...I think my favorites are the old chubsters in speedos...yum yum! NOT! Anywho...so at work last night an old bald man in a speedo (ick!) asked me to make a double lane in the lap pool when it was flipping busy so he could do his "exercises." (and I air quote that because he literally did sicssor kicks in a giant rectangle for 35 minutes when two ladies in he lane next to him were doing more crap than he was in a SINGLE LANE!) Jerk...

Example 2!

Why do girls (and maybe boys, I don't have access to thier loos at school) write on bathroom stall walls?! Hello people...this is COLLEGE. Why the hell do I need to know that you like penis?! Grow. Up.



Also, there ARE trash cans...you should throw your candy wrappers in there instead of the toilet. I mean, I know they're both called CANS, but they have two very different uses here people...




Example 3!

I was texting my friend Kelly today and we were talking about some random crap. She was driving to school (naughty texter and driver...)and she saw a lovely bumper sticker that said, "Smile, your mommy was pro-life." What. The. Hell. Not everyones mothers were whores in high school and got knocked up at a young age or got drunk at a party and nine months later popped out a screaming sack of joy...




Hmmm...angry post...my bad...

I am alive....

I know I haven't written in two weeks...and yes I know only Denise reads my blog, but that's ok! hahaha! I've been crazy crazy CRAZY busy...but I'm going to start posting again soon because I miss it and I've have A LOT happening that I just feel the need to share. But not right now because I have class in like half an hour and I really should be reading To Kill a Mockingbird and not writing on my blog and surfing stalkerbook (a.k.a.-Facebook). Anywho, I'll be posting this week!

Haberdashery!

P.S.- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 releases this week! I'm literally peeing my pants in excitement! I need a Ravenclaw tie...someone who loves me give me one!

So long, fare well.

From a small age I have been a lover of the water. I should have been born a fish! I always loved The Little Mermaid. I used to pretend to be a mermaid at the pool...I need some gills man...

As I grew older I joined the swim team at my nieghborhood pool and I loved all of it! I've always enjoyed watching meets and seeing what times people get. Soooo excting! :) My favorite events in the Olympics are the swimming. It's so cool to see the other people that love the water and to be totally jealous at their amazing skills. It's something I could never do but totally wish I could!

A hero of mine was one of these swimmers. Everyone knows him. His name, is Michael Phelps. He is an amazing swimmer, but I seriously think it's gone to his head.

Dear Michael Phelps,

I kind of think you have become a douche. I don't know what happened to you... You are such a talented athlete and you have the world at your fingertips. I feel like you have thrown away a lot of opportunities because of your crass actions.

For example, it was very unsportsman-like for you and your fellow swimmates to walk into a foreign country with gas masks over your faces. It isn't funny. It's disrespectful. Have some class.

Also, you are a public figure. Yound kid lok up t you. Why would you do drugs?! You may not care, but little kis are impressionable, and if they think you think it's cool, so will they. Be smart. Use that brain of yours. I know the chlorine hasn't gone to your head.

Love, Ellen

Buuzzz....

Dear Blogging World that doesn't actually read my blog,

Sorry I've been awol for the past ten days. I have had nothing to say. At all. All I've been doing is working and studying and studying and working. Iiiii don't even know what to say because there has been nothing cool EXCEPT that my :)

School has been stressful- two midterms yesterday which kept me at the library Wednesday from 2 p.m.-12:30 a.m. Long. Ass. Day. I am kind of crushing on this guy from two of my classes. But I don't want to talk about it. It'll jinx it.

My car decided to start making a new noise. I had Mick the car guy (that's the nickname Denise and I have for him...) look at it today. It's leaking power steering fluid. Location of leak: unknown. I love you and your quirkiness too, Carlise.

So the baby. His name is Odin Kevin Potter. The name was picked out long ago, so no it was not drug induced...I met him yesterday and he is a little nugget of cuteness. I just fell in love with his little wrinkly nose! He has that most amazing new baby smell- it's better than new car smell. I love that smell. (I am NOT creepy!...ok, maybe a little) I can't wait to just smooch his little face again. AHhhhh! Baby. :)

Here is me and the little guy...



And him and his cuteness...



Don't you love him?! I do!!!

A Blah Blah Blah...

I feel like I have basically had nothing, and I mean nothing, to blog about in the past couple of weeks. Life has just been going on. Nothing exciting has really been happening at all and I feel like blogging about my nothing-ness is rather pointless. I guess I shall continue with my 30 Days of Truth, even though the next few are kind of MEH topics. The next one is a letter to a band that has gotten you through a really rough day. I don't know if I really have a favorite band. I just love music. It lifts my soul. I love to sing, though usually when alone in my car. If I had to choose I think I would pick Rise Against. They are just inspiring. So...letter time.

Dear Rise Against,

You are an awesome band. I love listening to your music no matter what mood I am in. When I am happy, your music is fun to rock out to. When I am sad or angry, your lyrics lift me up and make me feel better. Your songs and your sound are just great and I thank you!

Geneva!

So in less than three months I will be writing from my new locale of Geneva, Switzerland. I'll be sharing my bloggy thoughts about getting an espresso and running to my classes with the Alps in the background. (Ok, I seriously have a hard enough concentrating here with stuff outside the window. What the HELL am I going to do there?!) I'll be writing about how exciting it is to be able to hop on a train on a whim and go to Amsterdam for the weekend and walking around town in my wooden clogs (yes, I will be buying those!).

The process of getting there is a bit daunting though...by the end of this week I have to have my cover letter and resume ready to turn in to apply for various interning opportunities as well as have a bunch of scholarship stuff turned it. It's all too much and my head is a-buzz.

I've been looking forward to this trip for SSSOOOOooooooo long! I can't wait for all of those awesome experiences. And I truly believe it's going to help get me over the last of my depression. (It's my own Eat, Pray, Love!--but more than likely without the love part. Just lots of eating and praying--so much for losing 30 pounds this year! haha!) I cannot wait for that freeing feeling.

I'm scared though. I'm scared of leaving and going somewhere by myself. There will be other students there from Kent but I won't know most of them. My friend, Liz, was supposed to go with me but she has decided to push her trip back a semester...that bums me out a lot too. I was really looking forward to this trip with her. We were gonna have a lot of fun. She's still knitting me a scarf and some gloves to keep me warm, so that's cool. HA!

I'm really afraid of how much I'm going to miss people. I have such a great support system here. Without my mom and my friends I would not be doing as decent as I am. I would be totally lost without them and being about 4,000 miles away scares the BEGEEZUS out of me. I'm such a home-body. I sobbed every day when I went to sleep away camp. My mom told me the camp called and asked if she wanted to come and get me. (She said no...thanks for letting me suffer, ma!) I know I can do this, it's just hard to think about and makes my stomach turn from nerves.

I can do this. I can do this. AHHHHH!!!!!

Happy Monday!

Every fifteen seconds...

Did you know that October is Domestic Violence awareness month? Well, now you do.

Domestic violence is a huge problem around the world and in the past 20 years in America, it has been growing at a rapid pace. It can have devastating physical and emotional effects on women, children and families. (And yes, man can be domestically abused as well, it's just less common and less focused on. Sad, but true. It is the same sad way for rapes. Men just don't get acknowledged for these hateful crimes, but they experience them as well.)It has been reported that 2 out of 3 women in America have been attacked by a family member or some other acquaintance.

What exactly is domestic violence? Well, it's an abuse committed by a close family relation (i.e.- husband/wife, fiancee, boy/girlfriend, etc.) It is estimated that an act of domestic violence occurs every fifteen seconds in the U.S., which means about 2.5 million people a year on average.

In 1994 the U.S. Congress enacted the Violence Against Women Act (WAVA). This directed jurisdiction to five full faith and credit to valid orders of protection issued by other jurisdictions. Simply, valid orders of protection must be enforced to protect domestic violence victims regardless of where the original irder was issued. This means that the victim is able to call upon law enforcement for protection from their abusers and the abuser will be prosecuted for their violations.

Domestic violence isn't just physical. It's emotional and can take many different varieties in this form.

Signs of a domestically abused person:

-fear of your partner
-does your partner humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
-blame you for their behavior?
-hurt or threaten you?
-force you to have sex?
-threaten suicide if you leave?
-destroy your belongings?
-do they act controlling and possessive?
-constantly check up on you?

There are more warning signs here. Don't be afriad to stick up for yourself or for someone you love.

Do you or anyone you know suffer from domestic violence?? Know that you aren't alone and that there IS help out there for you and your loved ones. The National Hotline can be found here. There are also other ways that you can help and those resources can be found here.

Also, there are many shelters available for abused people and their families. You are not alone.

Stop the Violence.

Something you never get complimented on:

My eyes. I love my eyes and only my mom ever tells me they are pretty. And that's only every once in a while, but I am her "Brown Eyed Girl." Not that I'm fishing for compliments! It's the blogger thingy I swears it!

Nothing new to report...just life as we have known it. I started applying for study abroad scholarships today. They are due next Friday. Why the hell did I wait so long and why can't people just GIVE me money?! Grr....I hate being poor.

This week...

This has been an interesting week full of ups and downs. Really just downs with the regular old meh...I found out the old boyfriend has a new girlfriend and that has been hard to handle. I think because he said we could maybe get back together. I guess the emphasis was on the maybe and leaning toward the not...but this has pretty much pushed me to just let go of everything.

I sat on my couch the other night sobbing to my mother about how upset I was about everything he has done to me. He abandoned me on the day I needed him most and he stopped communicating with me. I was willing to talk about it and forgive him for it because that is how much I love him. I know that loving someone is letting things go, especially when you love them so much you would kill for them and die for them. I couldn't imagine my life without him while we were dating. And now that he isn't here it's not a life I like very much. He's now in the life of some other girl and that kills. The thought of them together kills more than anything though. I trusted him so much and knew I could rely on this guy for anything. Now I have such major trust issues again I don't know where to go from here. I feel really lonely and really empty.

There are certain people that, when I spend time with them, make me feel alive. But then I always feel like they are looking at me, waiting for me to break. I just can't take that anymore. I'm tired of people asking me what I've eaten today and that I need to gain some weight. It's not that I want to keep losing weight or that I don't want to eat. I love food. It's that my stomach no longer does. I eat and then about forty-five to sixty minutes later I'm in the bathroom...This hasn't been fun, why would I want it to continue?

I've been going to therapy and stuff and it helps. I love going and just talking because he has to listen to me because I'm paying for him to sit there and listen to me cry. I've been trying so hard not to talk about how I'm feeling anymore to my friends because I'm afraid of scaring them off. I know I get sick of hearing the same crap over and over again, even though I just keep listening, but I don't want people to get sick of me. I can't expect people to be like me and just sit and listen, no matter how redundant that person has become. That's just how I show people I love them. I'm a helper and a fixer. Anyway, my therapist told me to go see my family physician because I've been getting large, unexplained bruises on my legs for weeks. It started at the beginning of the summer, stopped, but they're back now. He thought maybe I was anemic, but I got the results of my blood work back and it came back normal. So now I have no idea...

So this whole depression thing really sucks. I just need to figure out where is came from because I know it started before my break up. I just wish I knew from where. So the digging is still going, I just hope I find it soon because I'm really sick of feeling this way. I sick of being so sad and not letting myself enjoy my life. That's really what I'm doing. I'm not enjoying anything. I don't know why. I used to have so much fun and now it's like going from one good thing and then waiting for time to slowly drag by until something else good comes by. I started taking some low dose medicine to help. I'm not really thrilled about it but hopefully it helps slow down my brain and helps me relax so I can figure everything out and start feeling better sooner.

I hope that soon I'll stop missing the guy who made me feel so amazing and happy. And I hope that soon I'll be able to make myself feel more amazing and happy than he ever did.

This will get better.

Day 11

A third of the way in and this 30 days of Truth is making me delve too much into the personal stuff and making me feel funny. (Probably because I never like to think about myself this much...I like to think about other people because then I don't have to think about how crappy things are going. But hey, maybe this is a really good thing.)

Something people compliment you on:

Lately people have been scraping me off the bottom of the emotional barrel that has become my life...and I appreciate them for that. (They have no idea...) Anyway, people have been reminding me of how great I am and everything, but I think the thing they compliment me on the most about is my personality. (And no, I don't think I'm an ugly girl...they tell me I'm beautiful and cute too--wow...I feel conceited...)

I like my personality too, actually! I can be a lot of fun when I'm not all down in the dull drums. I'm silly and I like to laugh and giggle. I like to tease people out of pure fun(and they know it). I'm also extremely sarcastic. Maybe not in my writing but in person....yeah, I am. Life just isn't right without a little bit of laughter in it.

I can be really bubbly and I like to make people smile and feel good about themselves. And it's easy because I feel like I only see the best in people. I'm also one of those people that likes to listen. It's in my genes I think. My Mom and my Grandma are both excellent listeners and advice-givers. It's nice to listen and help if I can. And I don't do it for me, I genuinely like to help people feel better.

I don't know...I hope that people are genuine in this compliment of me because it does make me feel better. Especially since I've felt rather worthless as of late. But that's beside the point. I think that I'm a great gal and I'm learning to love myself again and I hope you do too!

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

I've known a lot of really crappy people in my short life. I mean, people who treat you like they couldn't care less about what happened to you because it was all about them. But would I ever want to get rid of them? I don't really think so. Wanna know why?? BECAUSE I SAID SO!

But really. I don't think I could ever pick someone I didn't want to know anymore. All of the people that I've known or met in my life are people that were there for a purpose and I wouldn't want to miss that learning opportunity. If I had, I wouldn't be the person I am today. No matter how badly they may have made me feel, I needed to go through that so that I could become the girl I am today and the woman I am to become in the future.

So to all of you who have hurt me or walked all over me, thank you. Thank you for teaching me to be a stronger person despite cruelty and mean actions. Thank you for being a part of my life and for showing me that no matter what, I can be a good person.

(I hope that didn't come off as snotty..it wasn't meant to. I really am grateful for all of the lessons life has thrown my way.)

Church doesn't have to be lame

People think that the Catholic Church is crazy...and they would be correct. It;s full of crazy-super-conservative people that like to yell and blow up abortion clinics. But luckily we aren't all like that. Yesterday I went to see my Grandma as per usual on a Sunday. My mom and I took her to church and there is a new-ish priest there. I've never heard mass from him before but the mom has and she said he's really cool and that I'd like him.

Now, this is saying something. Not that I'm super picky and stuck up. I'm not!! It's just that I don't really agree with a lot of what the Catholic church has to say. I'm a pretty liberal person and I'm pretty accepting of whatever the hell you feel like doing. Go on you transsexual lesbians!!

Anyway, this guy was pretty freakin' awesome. (Can I use a slang curse to describe a priest?!) He was very personable. He doesn't like extraneous singing or super long prayers. Get to the point is the way he is. He doesn't even want announcements at the end because "People can read the bulletin" and he wants to get out of there just as much as the rest of us.

He definitely puts off a I'm-not-a-run-of-the-mill-priest persona. He wore Velcro sandals and I'm pretty sure he was wearing shorts under his vestments. He talked about his service work at the local jail and he even prayed for the priest on administrative leave.*

*First of all, priests have black clothes with a collar to wear under their vestments. So the shorts thing is like, WHOA! And second, no one, and I mean NO ONE ever ever ever speaks about the priests on administrative leave that were accused of child molestation. These man are like that freaky cousin you only pull out for Christmas cards and you never hear from them until next year.

Anyway, I really did enjoy him. On his way up to the altar his fist bumped a little girl and he tried to leave with the little kids who go down to their own bible reading during mass. He gave a really inspiring sermon about continuing to help others even when you've been stomped on and walked all over and taken advantage of. I've been feeling like this has been happening to me a lot lately and it helped me to see that I help people because I like to and that it is a good thing that I do. Maybe they will pass on the helping hand to someone else or they will be really grateful and do something in return. Either way it doesn't matter because I can know that I helped someone without expecting anything in return and that's exactly what I want to do. I like helping people. I just don't enjoy being taken advantage of, but that is just part of the job, isn't it?

bloggy game!

So my friend Denise (who is awesome by the way) posted me in this blog game thing where they ask you some questions you have to answer. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to ask some back, but since I don't feel like it and I can't think of any good questions to write, I probably won't. But oh well!! Here goes nothing!

1. What do you lose most often? Your phone? Your keys? Your mind...? And where is it usually hiding.

Hmmm...I usually lose my phone in the big black abyss that is my purse. I have way too many things in there and I should really try cleaning it out a little more often than I do...then perhaps I'd be able to find things more often.

2. What was your first job? Did you like it? And what was one thing you learned from it you still use in your current big(er) person job?

Well, my first job was a consessionaire at Maplewood. I sat in a hot room and served people food for fifteen minutes every hour. It wasn't really a big deal but when we were busy, we were BUSY. I guess I learned how to work fast and be a people person. I now know how to multi-task fairly easily and how to systematically do things.

3. Favorite book(s)?

My favorite books are adventure/fantasy type books. I love love love the Harry Potter series. I love getting lost in a new and exciting world that is nothing like mine. It gives me a chance to escape my own life and to enter someone elses and make me feel better that I'm not being chased by some ginormous beast.

4. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I love my personality. I feel like I can be a lot of fun. I'm very animated in everything I do- I like to make faces and talk with my hands and I change the inflection in my voice quite a bit. I'm also really sarcastic so that just makes life a little more interesting. I mean, who doesn't like a little spice to the life?

5. What's your favorite thing about me? (ha ha ha, I have to ask, I'm a curious lass)

Denise, I love how smart you are. You are so much fun to talk to and you always understand where I'm coming from. You always listen no matter what and I really appreciate that. You are an awesome friend and I love you!!!

6. Cats or dogs? What's your favorite? Why? If neither, what is your favorite pet type animal?

I love dogs!!! They are so darn cute and I just love them so much! They always play with you and they always love you. I love that they come when you call them and that they listen to your commands. I also love how smart they are. They may not seem it all of them time, like when they're nomming on your shoe, but they really are smarties.

7. Does it annoy you that all these are multi part questions? Kidding, real question: Any tattoos? Attach a photo if you're brave.

No... :( But I know what tattoo I want!! It looks like this:

It obviously won't have the necklace loop on it but that's kind of what I want on my right foot by my pinkie toe. I think it would be cute.

8. What is one skill you don't have that you’d like to learn?

Honestly I would love to have magical powers...but since we all know that isn't possible...I think I'd like art skills. Life drawing and painting. I've never been very good at the artistic outlets. I used to dance but I blew my stupid knees out so that doesn't work anymore...other than that I don't really have an outlet(except this blog, and I'm still working on making it somewhat decent...).

The seasons change and so do we

Losing a best friend is one of the hardest things to go through. And I've gone through it multiple times. But somehow, losing a friend to distance or distraction is worse. You say, "Don't worry! We'll always be friends, you have nothing to worry about!" But then you go to a different school or you get a job and you don't see them anymore. You use your modern technology to stay in touch: texting(because no one likes to talk on the phone anymore), facebook, myspace (does anyone actually use that anymore??), e-mail...but nothing just ever seems to be enough. We all get wrapped up in our own busy lives and forget about those people that "we could never live without" in high school. And things just never seem to be the same.

Someone you didn't want to lose, but just drifted:

I loved being in theatre in high school. I made some of the greatest friends and the greatest memories while being at school until all hours of the night. My freshman year we did my favorite show, A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespere. During this show I met one of the best people I could ever meet. I felt like we were destined to be friends for a very long time. His name was Justin and he was a year older than me. Funnily enough he got kicked out of that show for smacking some jeans together to scare some girls...yeah, I went to a funny school! hahahaha!

From then on we were pretty inseperable. His girlfriend hated me because he and I were so close, but I didn't care because we both knew there was nothing for her to worry about. We were friends and that's it.

We were always laughing. Hysterically. We made jokes about each other and about other people. It was all in good fun. Then we would get on stage and have a blast performing.

In my junior year, his senior, we, along with a few others, thought it would be a really smart idea to eat a box of microwavable popcorn in our forty-eight minute study hall. Oh. My. God. I didn't eat popcorn for like a year I felt so disgusting. I smelled like popcorn. Ugh....the memory makes me belly churn.

Anyway, he graduated and went off to college. We promised we would stay in touch but it kind of never happened...I remember trying to stay in touch via the book of faces but he was busy trying to get in the groove of college and I get that. I get that it just bums me out because we were so close once.

Today we comment to each other every blue moon. And in the summer we'll see each other and catch up over a cup of coffee but that's about it. Every time we see each other we have a blast though, so I know we still "got it." Whatever "IT" is anyway...

I miss you, Justin!!!

Someone who had made your life hell...

I've had my fair share of mean people throughout my life and it's kind of hard to pick just one...and that makes me feel sorry for all of those people who just like to hurt others to make themselves feel better. As I'm sitting here typing this, pictures of different people have been popping into the front of my mind...they are mostly girls I've known, but some are guys. (I haven't had a whole lot of good interaction with the opposite sex, but some very special guys have made up for it!)

I had picked someone, but as I began to think of how to put everything into words, another face jumped to the front of my mind and a pain and anger I hadn't felt in a while rose up within me. SO I figure I should write about her...

Her name is Ali. We met our freshman year of high school at volleyball and we were instant friends. I really liked her. We got along well and we had a lot in common. By the end of our first year we were pretty much inseparable and I could see us being good friends for the rest of our lives.

Sophomore year started off great! I had a lot of good friends, which was more than I could say when I entered high school, and I was doing well in my classes. I knew people from all grades because I was so involved with everything and I loved it! There was a friend of mine, Steve, who was one of my favorite people. We were basically brother and sister. Ali told me she really liked Steve, and I knew he would fall for her easy because she was so great, so I played matchmaker. They hit it off even better than I thought. But then the storm came...

Ali had started acting weird toward me. Cold. Stand-offish. I asked her if everything was ok, and she said yes. But then one day she handed me a note that torn me apart. She said she felt like I was "trying to steal her boyfriend" and that she felt she "had to be the bitchy girlfriend."

I basically died inside. I would NEVER do that. And I repeat, NEVER DO THAT. Plus it didn't make any sense to me since I SET THEM UP.

So my little happy world of friends began to crumble around me. Quite a few of the girls Ali and I had spent time with together began to take sides. And they all took hers, which again, I didn't understand why. It may have been me thinking they were since I was in a deep state of depression due to this accusation. I felt like I had no friends and that no one liked me anymore. I was in theatre but I felt isolated because she was too. At that point, we had signed up to watch the little kids that were in Cinderella but she went to the director and asked to be taken off "for the good of the kids."

From there I kept losing things. Steve eventually called me in the fall and told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore. I kept feeling more and more isolated and that no one liked me. I was so unhappy and I felt like no one cared. I lost what little confidence I had and it took a really long time to get it back. Once I stopped caring what other people thought about me and embraced the few friends that truly cared about me at the time, I was so much happier.

I know this was stupid high school drama, but it really hurt me at the time and sometimes I remember how I felt and I hurt all over again. I think it's one of those wounds that won't ever heal completely. I probably could have picked someone else who treated me worse, but this one, for some reason, still bothers me.

The things that I do like to remember though are how awesome my friends are and how much I love them. And how, without them, I wouldn't be here right now.

That good old Irish guilt

Oh the irony of your heritage...

Yes, I'm Irish...and I am PROUD of it! :) I'm a quarter Irish and then about a twelve other things...but we (my family) ignore those...we're Irish, mmk?!

I know I don't really "look" Irish because I don't have that flowing red hair or the pale skin of an albino, but I really am! I love me some potatoes and I have that good ol' Irish guilt.

Now, you may be asking what is this Irish guilt you speak of? Well, basically it ties to our strong Catholic roots and the issue of sin. If we do something wrong it is drilled into us that we are terrible people for what we have done and we do everything in our power to make it better.

And now we get serious...This is my problem with my depression, my anxiety, and my breakup.

I can't seem to let myself off the hook for what happened and I'm taking all of the blame when I know I shouldn't be. This is something else I need to change about myself. I need to know that it wasn't all my fault and that Erik had a big part in this. This isn't a guilt I need to own entirely on my own. I need to tell myself that every day. I need to remind myself that he took out his frustrations with his mom on me and that wasn't fair. I also need to remind myself that he didn't communicate his feelings with me and that wasn't something I could make him do no matter how many times I asked him.

This is hard for me because I'm used to taking all of the blame and the hurt because I was always taught to be "the bigger person." And I think that I ingrained that so much in my thinking that I felt like I needed to take the responsibility of actions for everyone.

I know I need to pick myself up off the metaphorical floor(and sometimes the actual floor..) and keep going because only I can make myself better. I can beat this feeling of emptiness and sadness because it isn't who I am. I am a happy person who wants to have fun. I've been her before and I can be her again, especially since I was so fond of her.



And a little song that describes me right now:

"Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday,
Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm."
-Yesterday: The Beatles

This is to the mama

It's tough thinking of someone who has truly made your life worth living. Someone who makes you want to keep going no matter what, even when you basically feel like you have hit so rock bottom that there is no way to ever get up again. That's a lot of pressure on one person. When I started thinking about it I could think of a bunch of people from my friends and my family, but none of them mattered as the woman who gave me life and who continues to inspire me everyday.

This is for you, mom!

My mother, Claire, is a very special woman. I may want to kill her every now and again, but what healthy mother-daughter relationship doesn't have that feeling sometimes? She works hard and does the best she can. Whenever she has a bad day she may get angry and vent, but it's usually funny just because she's got that type of humor.

She works as a secretary at the local high school but she just graduated from college. She received her degree in post-secondary integrated language arts. (A.K.A.- High School English teacher.) She started going back to school when I was in the fifth or sixth grade and I know it was hard for her. She never gave up though, even when she thought she wouldn't graduate when she had planned. This gave me such inspiration. Whenever I feel like I can't do this, or this is too hard, I just think of my mom going back to school to pursue her dreams of being a teacher.

When I was growing up, we didn't have a lot of money. My dad didn't really do the whole child-support thing like he should have but my mom always did her best. She worked a couple of jobs and worked hard to make ends meet. Even though she was busy trying to keep us afloat money-wise, she always made time for me and my brother. I never noticed that we didn't have a lot because I never wanted for anything. We went to the pool in the summer and sledding in the winter. We always saw our family and we always had fun.

She shows me everyday that giving up is the wrong thing to do. She has taught me so much in the past twenty years and I know I have tons more to learn from her. So, I love you, Mom!!! You rock my socks! :D



[I think she might kill me for this picture...but she should let me take her picture more often]

Something I hope I never have to do...

I've been thinking about this one and I'm not really sure what it is that I hope to never do. I mean, there are a lot of really horrible things in this world and you can't really avoid them no matter what. Heart ache, death, cancer, any other horrible disease...none of these things are good and none of them are fun. But what is it that I truly hope to avoid? That I wouldn't touch with a 9 1/2 foot pole? I really don't know....

I can't say that I've lived through a genocide or that I know anyone that has been murdered, but I do know that my life has been no cake walk. I know I complain sometimes but I really shouldn't. I've always had what I've needed: a warm bed, three meals, a loving family. Why should I complain, right?

There is a day, though, that sticks out in my mind that I would NEVER in my life want to live through ever ever again. It was April 16, 2010. This is the day, I feel, that I lost so much.

On that day my cousin woke up in a hospital ER and she called me sobbing. Luckily I was awake at 5:00 a.m. for work so that I could go and get her. When I arrived at the hospital I found out some really devastating news while holding my cousin, who is like my little sister, in my arms, trying to calm her sobs. She was found naked, passed out, in front of her dorm room door. No one knew how she got there. She didn't remember what happened. The last thing she remembered was hanging out in her friends dorm two floors below drinking with some friends. The nurse said she had refused a rape kit. I tried to get her to do it. She wouldn't. She said she trusted the people she was with and didn't think that would do anything like that to her. I took her back to my house and put her in my bed to sleep.

The rest of the morning was a blur. I went back to work and then went home. I skipped my class that morning because I wanted to be home with my cousin woke up. When she finally did I talked to her about going back to the hospital to get a kit done, just to be safe, I said. She agreed but wanted to call her friend whose room she had been in the night before, just to see if she knew what happened. She didn't. In fact, she had woken up in a peculiar way...she wasn't in pajamas. She was in leggings. That's it. And she hadn't worn leggings that night before. My heart dropped. I told her that I was taking my cousin to the hospital. I offered to come and get her as well. She said yes. My heart was just all over the place. I felt helpless and like life was ending. Not one, but two people I cared about were in a position I would never wish on anyone. I had been talking to Erik about it all day and I was stressing out. I needed him but I felt like he wasn't supporting me. He had a concert that night that he was going to with his friends, and I wasn't asking him to skip it, I was asking him not to play raquett ball and talk to me. I needed that distraction, but he couldn't give it to me. We got in to a fight that started us on the road to our breakup...

So the girls called their mothers. Two conversations I never wanted to have. I promised them that I would stay with them and be there no matter what. They were on their way, but they needed me. I had two mothers, the women that are supposed to be depended upon, depending on me. I was trying to comfort them while trying not to fall apart myself. I was telling these two girls everything was going to be ok. Hugging them and letting them joke away the situation.

You know how bad things happen in threes? Well...ta da! In the afternoon one of my friends from high school texted me and told me that I girl I had gone to high school with died unexpectedly. It was like the cherry on top of the cake of misery.

All in all I had spent about ten hours in the hospital. I felt like my life was crumbling and I was losing everything. Definately an experience that I would never want to go through again and I would never wish that on anyone.

Just a blonde joke.

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump.."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

Have a happy tuesday!! :)

Boys make me angry sometimes...

OK, boys, you are very very very frustrating. You get mad at us girls because you think we're speaking "in code." Well, guess what. We aren't. We say what we mean and we mean what we say. (At least I do...) Yes, I know there are those "crazy girls" out there that like to play mind games because they want you to be confused as all hell, but there are a lot of us out there that don't want to do that.

So getting to my point...LISTEN TO US. Listen because what we are saying usually has some important meaning to us and listening gets you things...like cookies. Pushing us doesn't make us want to do something, it makes us just do it to make you happy even though we are miserable. Compromising is awesome. Try it.

This is my story about why boys anger/frustrate me.

As you all know I just got out of a super serious relationship that I'm still sad about and that I'm working so hard to get over. This guy named Patrick just doesn't seem to get it...

I met him in my English class over the summer. He's super nice and super sweet and his is a cutie pie. The other day he made it very well known to me that he likes me. A lot. I'm flattered but I'm not sure that I'm totally "into him" like he is "into me." I was thinking, perhaps, that I was looking for bad qualities in him so that way I had a reason to turn him down. So I decided to be open-minded. This didn't really change much. I feel like he has been being a really clingy girl the past few days. He texted me all the time, and when I didn't respond because A) I had nothing to say or B) I was busy doing something he would text me again.

Now, I told him the very basic, my boyfriend broke up with me and I'm still sad about it, story. I also said that I didn't think I was ready for this. He said, that's why we'll take things "slow." (Why he needed the quotes, I don't know) But I know I'm not ready. I'm still sad and I still cry every once in awhile. I mean, I miss my best friend and the guy who was going to be with me forever...who wouldn't miss that person and need an exhorbanant amount of time to get over it?

I'm thinking I'm going to tell him I can't go on a date with him. I'm not ready for all of this. It's too much drama. I'm not happy by myself yet, so how could I be happy and make someone else happy when I, myself, am not happy? (sorry if that was confusing...) Basically, I need to be happy on my own. I need to know, completely, who I am. I lost myself several months ago (even before my break up) and I need to find myself. Plus, I'm leaving in four months for a country far far away. Why would I do that to myself, or to someone else?

Now, I know I've sounded quite bitchy about Patrick...and I know that that is bad, but I don't know how else to put it. He's been trying to show off but I've been feeling like it's really pompous behavior. It bugs me. It also bugs me that I can't get the space I need to be single to get over this pain. I don't want to jump from one relationship to another. That isn't me. And who WANTS to be a rebound? That just sounds crazy to me....

Ok...angry, bitchy rant over.

P.S.- Insight is always appreciated.

Oh to be a kid again

Today I was on a break between classes and I started thinking...(I know, big shocker there, right??)...I am a really boring person. I mean, I have fun with my friends and everything but I don't actually go out and do stuff. I'm always working or I'm always doing homework. When I'm not doing that stuff I like to sit at home and do nothing..and by nothing I mean that I like to watch TV or read a book. Either way, I'm not out and about doing stupid things like other people my age. And I don't mean stupid like getting high, I just mean stupid like having fun doing things that kids in college do. Like going out and staying out until I am half asleep and drinking (or not drinking...I can't decide).

I feel like I'm missing out on my life. The past few days people have been telling me how awesome I am and how much fun I am. It's not that I don't appreciate that, because I really do. I'm glad people like me. But why doesn't anyone ever invite me to do anything? Why am I always the one to do the inviting?? Every once in awhile it would be nice to be the invited, not the inviter. I think I know that answer, and I already said it once, I'm BORING. Boring people aren't asked out anywhere. They're asked to take you places or do you a favor, they aren't asked to hang out on a whim unless the person asking needs something.

This is all bringing me to...

Something I hope to do in Life:

I want to be someone full of life. I've always said that I'm young at heart, but I don't know if that's true. I feel like I've been acting like I'm 40 instead of 20. I'm twenty years old and I don't like to do anything. I like to lay around and be comfortable. This, I know, needs to change. I need to embrace my life. I'm skipping to the end and missing the best part. I need to start living. I mean, what's the point if you aren't having a little fun and getting into a little(legal) mischief?

So, starting now, I'm going to be living life to the fullest. I'm going to go out and have fun with my friends. I'm going to meet new people. I'm going to get ready for Switzerland and love every second of it. I'm going to be young at heart and young at mind. I'm done being old. Just because I'm mature and have a lot of logic up in my noggin doesn't mean I need to act like an old spinster.

Let's have fun! :P

A long time coming...

When you need to tell someone you're sorry, it can be the hardest thing. But something that can be harder is telling someone why they need to apologize. I've written before about my bad realtionship with my father. (I call him father because it takes much more to be a dad.) Anyway, I've had a really difficult relationship with him since I was about nine and it's always been bad. He's treated me poorly and told me it was my fault. He treated my brother poorly and told him to get over it or he wouldn't help him out anymore. He called my mom names and told me how awful of a person she is. The older I got and the more I heard these things the angrier I got. Eventually I just stopped. I stopped caring what he said and what he thought. He didn't support me, he just ignored me. He told me that he didn't have to be at things like my high school plays when I wasn't onstage and that he couldn't be somewhere because my mom was going to be there. Well, I just think that's wrong. He is supposed to be the adult, not me.

I've been told over and over again that I need to tell him everything. That I need to stand up to him and make him know how he's hurt me and that it wasn't right. But I've never been able to do that. I don't know why I haven't. Maybe it's because I still have this complex in my head that tells me that if I try just a little bit harder he'll realize how great I am and want to talk to me all of the time...

The past year or two I've gotten to the point where I don't care. I don't care how he acts because he doesn't. I don't care that he doesn't know anything about me, mainly because I don't think he deserves to know. (Like I said before, it takes more to be a dad than a father...) I don't care that he ignores me and gets mad when I don't call him because he never did. He never seemed to care. And that's his fault, not mine.

Something I need to forgive someone for:

Dad, I forgive you for being who you are. I forgive you for never being around and for thinking only of yourself. You are a selfish person and I'm glad you weren't around when I was growing up because I didn't learn to be selfish like you. Instead, I learned to be like my mom. Hard-working and caring. Someone who does everything for everyone just so that they are happy. For that I am grateful.

However, I don't forgive you for bailing on me. I don't forgive you for not talking to me and ignoring me. I needed a dad. I needed a male role model to look up to and admire so I know how I'm supposed to be treated. Now I only get slight examples from my friend's dad's who only occasionally see me. I don't forgive you for not being there for me when a girl needs her daddy. These are things I can't let you go on. You don't deserve to get off that easy. I wish things were different but that's how it is.

Feelings and Forgiveness and Stuff

So I've been avoiding my blog for a few days...mainly because I haven't wanted to write what I know I need to write about for my next 30 days of truth entry. Also I've been stressed out from starting school and I've had some very emotional days...yes, my life is a box full of joy!

And I know I've been super over emotional for a long time now. It's my depression...I wish I knew what else it was. I'm not an overly emotional type of girl...I've actually gotten pretty good about hiding emotions when I want to. This summer has kind of broken that. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

On Friday I had a really big epiphany. And I mean BIG. I realized that my breakup with Erik was about 85% my fault. It's hard to admit because I hate myself for doing this. I've been beating myself up for hurting the one person I've ever truly loved. I've probably lost him forever and I hate myself even more for that. And yes, I know that he had his faults in this too...he didn't communicate well and he wasn't assertive. He somehow made me make all of the decisions in the end, which was weird because throughout our relationship I always felt like we were a team and that we made decisions together and did things that we both wanted to do because we were on a path together, reaching for a common goal.

I know I need to apologize to him, and I will. (I just need to formulate the words, write them down, and send the letter, I just don't know when because it's kind of soon since the infamous phone call at the end of July. I don't want to make him feel like I'm pushing myself/my presence into his life. I want him to have his space like he asked for.) I treated him terribly. It's no wonder he said, "I don't love you anymore." And now this is pure guess work but it's how I'm thinking... It's not that he stopped loving me, it's that he didn't love the person I was being and through a lot of thinking, I realized that I had become the controlling and possessive/obsessive person he told me I had become. This isn't me. I don't know why I was acting like that. It's my goal never to be like that again because a)it made me lose the person I love and b)it's stupid. I don't want to be mean. I like being a nice person. That's how people see me. I'm a giver people! Why did I do this?! Which brings me to...

Something I need to forgive myself for...

I need to forgive myself for treating Erik that way. It's the first step to helping me heal myself. I've been going to therapy trying to make sense of it all and nothing has made sense except for my guilt and wrongs in this whole thing. I need to let go of the hurt I caused because the longer I hold onto it, the longer it will take for you-know-who to forgive me. SO, Ellen, forgive yourself for hurting him. It was a mistake. A mistake that you can take and learn and grow from. You know now not to take for granted the people you love and the people who love you. You know now that you can't just take your stress/aggression/any-other-bad-emotion out on the people you love just because you think they'll stick around through it all. People are allowed (and should) to stand up for themselves. You can't just run over people because you are more assertive than they are. So, take a deep breath and know that it'll be OK sooner or later. Here's hoping it's sooner! You're on the road to recovery, no matter how much it hurts.

Something I love about myself...

...this one is harder. I mean, who thinks about what they love about themselves, right? Weirdly enough, I know this post is going to be short, just because it's hard for me to talk about what I like about myself. I can talk all day about how I hate how I look, but talking about what is so 'totally awesome' about me is just a lot harder. Plain and simple. But I guess, upon some contemplation, that I love my quirks. I'm quirky. I've got the quirks. Plus, it's just a fun word... (hehe...)

Anyway, I'm silly. I love being silly. It makes life that much more interesting, ya know? I mean, who doesn't like to laugh? Except maybe Oscar the Grouch, but ironically, he is shown smiling in all of his pictures...look it up, I'm not kidding. Well, my quirks. I don't know how to fully describe them, they're just there. I like the quick comeback and the quick joke about a comment someone makes. To hang with me, one must have a quick brain like me, otherwise you're going to get lost. And I mean literally lost. I've got friends to prove it. I also talk in circles so if you pay attention, you'll catch on eventually. Well, maybe. HA!

Something you Hate about yourself

I've been pondering this all morning. It wasn't hard to think of things that I don't particularly like about myself, but hate? It's such a harsh word...but something I did come up with!

I've always been a hard-worker and I've always tried to make things just right. And I'm not talking just looking right or sounding right, but every little detail. I like things to be as nice as possible for everyone. I'm not so worried about myself in these instances as others...it's just how my brain works. So basically what I hate about my self is my obsession with the way I want things to be.

I don't know how I got this way. I think, perhaps, it stems from my childhood...when my parents got divorced I think I thought, "Maybe, just maybe, if I work my butt off and get good grades, no one will notice that my parents aren't together. And my parents will be proud and will still love me." (Not that they ever did...I was seven ok?! I didn't realize they would always love me just because they created me.) Well, from there I think that it just grew...I mean, I've liked the hard work, but I wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn't taken that path...and that just weirds me out so we're going to leave that. At least for now...

Through out school and work, I've always wanted everyone to be happy. I'm a people pleaser. If I didn't do something to their liking, I'd fix it until it was right. I'd rather give something to someone than get something. I'm always picking up the pieces. Some of my friends call me "Mom" just because I'm always there to take care of them and help them out of a tight spot. It doesn't really bother me. I'm just responsible. I had to grow up pretty fast.

My obsession to make things just right has created other problems for me too. I like to make sure that when something is supposed to happen on a specific day or at a specific time that it does. So I get stuck in routines. People are creatures of habit, but I get used to things very quickly. I know now that this became a problem in my relationship with Erik.

(I'm sorry, I know I brought it up...but I feel like this is important for me to get off of my chest...)

With Erik, we saw each other every Wednesday and Sunday because that's how our work and school schedules worked. We planned it that way. We tried to see each other a couple other days for lunch or something like that, but we always saw each other those days. The fact that I always knew when I was going to see him was nice, but I think it also put a terrible strain on our relationship. I got expectations, and when they were broken because of other plans I got upset. I don't know why. He wasn't trying to intentionally hurt me. I was so stupid. I just loved seeing him so much that when I thought it wasn't going to happen I got really upset. Why couldn't I just go with the flow?!

When I realized all of that, I got really upset with myself. Who the hell possessed me to do all of that crazy stuff? That isn't me! I'm not like that! Ugh...Why would I screw up the one relationship that was most important to me?? I would love to fix this with Erik, but I know that I need to fix this with myself first. I've been trying more and more since April to just go with the flow. When people don't know specific details I just wait. If they need to cancel, it's cool. It's getting easier. Why should I be all uptight about small, unimportant things? It's stupid and just causes drama. I hate drama!

30 Days of Truth

Last week my friend Denise got this idea from another blogger in the bloggisphere to truthfully answer thirty questions. So I've decided, after he blessing, to do the same thing.

I feel like I should do this. I'm sick of just writing over and over again about my sad, sad life...I'm sorry everyone. I know it's boring, sad, and pathetic. Just like me!

So. Starting tomorrow I shall begin this journey. I feel like it's going to be a really good thing.

Deep breaths...

I am grateful

Sometimes I think I forget how awesome my friends truly are. I don't know how I would get on without them, mainly because that would mean I have to be alone all of the time and I hate the feeling of being alone, especially now. Loneliness is scary but sometimes I think that it's something you have to go through. Believe me, I am not a fan. But maybe you have to be able to conquer that loneliness to truly enjoy the company of others...but I digress....

Things that I'm grateful for. These are things you don't think about often. I mean, who goes up to someone or says to them self, I am sooo grateful for blah blah blah. But this is my list...
1.My family: They are a crazy, crazy bunch. But I love them! They are always there, no matter how much they irk me or bother me. They are my family and I can always go to them no matter what.
2. My friends: They are an exceptional bunch. I only have a few, but I love them. They have helped me so much, especially over the past few months. I love you guys!
3. My health: I may joke that I'm falling apart, but really, I'm doing pretty good. Yes, I may wish that my knees didn't suck so much but hey, what can you do, right?
4. God: I'm not a super religious person, but I believe that God is out there somewhere. I pray and I hope that God listens and that what I need from him happens. It's all a be abyss of, "what's going to happen and why is this happening to me?!", which again, I am not a fan of, but I don't think God gives us anything that we can't handle. No matter how poorly you truly think you're handling it...
5. My education: I've always worked hard for good grades because I've wanted to do better for myself. I know it's up to me and what I make of everything that is given to me and everything that I have to work for.

For me, I just need to remember all of these things, especially during those "dark days" that I tend to have. What are you grateful for??