Friday, September 3, 2010

A long time coming...

When you need to tell someone you're sorry, it can be the hardest thing. But something that can be harder is telling someone why they need to apologize. I've written before about my bad realtionship with my father. (I call him father because it takes much more to be a dad.) Anyway, I've had a really difficult relationship with him since I was about nine and it's always been bad. He's treated me poorly and told me it was my fault. He treated my brother poorly and told him to get over it or he wouldn't help him out anymore. He called my mom names and told me how awful of a person she is. The older I got and the more I heard these things the angrier I got. Eventually I just stopped. I stopped caring what he said and what he thought. He didn't support me, he just ignored me. He told me that he didn't have to be at things like my high school plays when I wasn't onstage and that he couldn't be somewhere because my mom was going to be there. Well, I just think that's wrong. He is supposed to be the adult, not me.

I've been told over and over again that I need to tell him everything. That I need to stand up to him and make him know how he's hurt me and that it wasn't right. But I've never been able to do that. I don't know why I haven't. Maybe it's because I still have this complex in my head that tells me that if I try just a little bit harder he'll realize how great I am and want to talk to me all of the time...

The past year or two I've gotten to the point where I don't care. I don't care how he acts because he doesn't. I don't care that he doesn't know anything about me, mainly because I don't think he deserves to know. (Like I said before, it takes more to be a dad than a father...) I don't care that he ignores me and gets mad when I don't call him because he never did. He never seemed to care. And that's his fault, not mine.

Something I need to forgive someone for:

Dad, I forgive you for being who you are. I forgive you for never being around and for thinking only of yourself. You are a selfish person and I'm glad you weren't around when I was growing up because I didn't learn to be selfish like you. Instead, I learned to be like my mom. Hard-working and caring. Someone who does everything for everyone just so that they are happy. For that I am grateful.

However, I don't forgive you for bailing on me. I don't forgive you for not talking to me and ignoring me. I needed a dad. I needed a male role model to look up to and admire so I know how I'm supposed to be treated. Now I only get slight examples from my friend's dad's who only occasionally see me. I don't forgive you for not being there for me when a girl needs her daddy. These are things I can't let you go on. You don't deserve to get off that easy. I wish things were different but that's how it is.

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