Friday, July 30, 2010

Just when you think it'll stop hurting... hurts all over again.

Tonight was Phantom of the Opera. These tickets were from Erik for Valentine's day. When I got them I seriously thought I was going to pee my pants! He and I both love that show...we used to watch the movie and just melt. I think the song, "All I ask" is my favorite because when I watched it with Erik, it made me fall more and more in love with him.

Anyway, since my infamous breakup back in April, I've been dreading this day...This summer has been the longest in my life and today was no exception. I cried a lot today, more than I have in a while (and by a while I mean a few weeks...did I mention that I hate to cry?? Because I do.) And I didn't stop during the show. In fact,it just got worse. Every thing made me think of him and how much I missed him and how much I wished that he was there. It isn't fair...I can't even call him to say 'thank you' for the tickets. Instead I have to hope that one of his friends that I'm friends with on Facebook sees that I posted how much I appreciated them on my status and tells him...ugh! I hate my life. I hate that I can't call my best friend because he won't call me back. What the hell is that, right!? It doesn't make any logical sense to me. I mean, he asked to be friends. What made him change his mind?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

What the heck is wrong with me??

I mean, seriously?? Why did I let myself get to this point, huh??

Earlier today at work I was sitting in my lifeguard chair thinking. (I know, me thinking is probably not a good thing, but sometimes I can't help it.) So, I was sitting and thinking about the past few months of my life and how sad they have been and how I haven't felt like much of a person. And then I had this revelation...and it's totally surprising...How am I NOT a person?!?!

People for months have been telling me over and over again about how great of a person I am. They tell me I'm beautiful and smart and that I'm seriously going places. And every time I said, "Thanks" and rolled my eyes thinking to myself, 'Who the heck are they? They are dumb for thinking that...'

But today I was thinking, 'You know, I really do have a lot going for me.'

This is my list:
1. I'm pretty smart--I work hard at school. A) because I love it and B)because I want to do well and succeed in my life so I can help provide for my family(that's if I ever find a man that I'll love enough to marry and have said family with--that feeling was pretty intense with Erik, I don't know how that feeling could be matched, so the jury is still out on that one)
2. I'm funny(at least in my own head)--I love to laugh and I love to make people laugh. Having fun is important to me and so is laughing. So therefore, I like to make both happen, both for my enjoyment and for others.
3. I'm not too shabby to look at I guess--I've never really thought that I was that attractive. In fact, Erik was the first guy that I've dated to flat out tell me I'm beautiful on a regular basis, let alone at all.
4. I'm goal-oriented--I have a lot of things that I want to do in my life that are important to me. For instance, I'm studying abroad starting in January in Geneva, Switzerland. I'll be getting valuable work experience there and valuable experiences that I can't get anywhere else. Especially the classroom.

I'm sure that there are other things...right?!...that are there that I can't think of. But I think that these reasons are a pretty good start. I mean, I'm a good person, I just have to find my confidence that I think attracts people to me. Hopefully soon I'll be back on my feet, not completely worrying about this certain person that won't talk to me...dear God, I hope so!!

Monday, July 26, 2010

"Can we still be friends..?"

These are perhaps that worst words one can hear during a break up...even if you want to stay friends with each other. Somehow, you know that it won't be the same, even if you were friends before you broke up. When Erik and I had been dating about 6 months, we made a promise to each other that no matter what, we'd always stay friends. This was a security feature that I don't think either of us would ever have to use because we were so crazy about each other and we could see ourselves down the road growing old together and always being around. Now, however, things have changed...obviously.

When Erik broke up with me 3 long months ago, he asked if we could stay friends. I said no. He said, we promised each other. I said, you're right, but I can't be 'just friends' with you right now, it hurts too much, I still love you too much. I asked for some time, which he agreed to. Now, three months later, it doesn't hurt so much. I honestly don't think the pain is ever going to go away. Some days I still well up in tears thinking about that horrible week and a half where my entire world got destroyed. I hated every second and I pretty much wanted to fling myself off a cliff...I lost so much weight and I'm still losing a little weight...I scares me.

Time moves so slow sometimes...If I have a major event going on I'm able to focus on that and not think about him, which helps. Lately I have been thinking about him less and less. It makes me sad but it makes me feel better at the same time. I'm able to do things without feeling held back, even when/if I feel extremely lonely (which makes things harder to deal with, but I'm working on it.)

Anyway, I called Erik on Saturday on my way home from the Irish Festival. I figured he'd be home from work if he was working that night. He didn't answer. I left a message...All I said was hi and that I missed having him in my life as my friend. I said I remembered how he wanted to be friends and I said thanks for giving me my time to get through the hard part...but now it's Monday afternoon and I haven't heard anything. It hurts. I figured he'd call. I guess I should have waited a little longer and I should have written a letter like my therapist suggested. Things may have turned out a little differently. But I wanted to talk to him. It wasn't a romantic longing to hear his voice either when I was a, I miss my best friend and I want to see how he's doing and to see if we could be 'just friends.' I guess he either isn't ready or isn't interested...I hope it's the first one because I really do miss him and I really don't want to lose this amazing guy in my life just like he said he didn't want to lose me three months ago...I hope that hasn't changed. I also hope that he hasn't moved on to someone else...that I don't think I could take. It's too soon...especially since he said he wanted to be single for a while...but in guy time, a while can me three days...ugh. I hate my life.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


I'm kind of sick of feeling lonely all of the time...I don't like it. I love hanging out with my friends and such, but it never feels right. I hope that it's not just me that feels this way...I hope a certain someone feels just like I do. Probably not though...right??

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Harry Potter!

When I was in high school, my Russian teacher always talked about how if he were ever stranded on a desert island and allowed only one book, he'd take this one skinny Russian grammar book. Now, when he told us this many times every year, we all thought he was insane. I mean, why wouldn't you take a survival book on how to make a life boat from your toe nails instead of studying how to correctly conjugate the accusative case?!

However, today I randomly thought about this...he loves the Russian language so much he never tires of it. He can always read about it and learn about it and perfect his skills. Making me think about what book I'd take to a deserted island was this awesome class that is starting tonight. It's a literature for young adults English class and the series we're reading is *drum roll*...Harry Potter!!

I would so take the third book, The Prisoner of Azkaban, to my deserted island. It's just the best one. I mean, who doesn't love a story of adventure and friends. That's one of the things I love about this series. Not only does it make young kids want to read, it doesn't have any annoying love story that overpowers the underlying message of good triumphing over evil and the pure love that people show for one another through their own actions. Plus, this is the book where we meet Harry's godfather, Sirius Black. (Love him!!)

I hope this class is as awesome as I'm hoping that it will be!!!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

I love to swim!!

One of the things that I loved most in Finding Nemo was that Ellen Degeneres played the voice of Dory, my favorite character. And possibly the best line?? "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! What do we do? We swim! La-lala-la-la!!"

I've been swimming since I was born. Everyday growing up my family and I, and the tons of children that my mom babysat as a business out of our house, would spend the hot summer days at out neighborhood pool. I loved every minute of it. I took swim lessons and swam on the swim team. I swear, I should have been a fish! I even used to pretend to be a mermaid with my friends...yeah, we were cute. HA!

So now, I'm still around water all of the time. I'm a lifeguard (at an un-Godly hour by the way...) and I love it. It's easy and I get to watch people slowly and sometimes unenergetically swim back and forth. It's awesome.

Now all I have to do is find a guy that has the look of one of these fine fellows...

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Question for the day.

For any of you who believe in God or a higher power or what have you, how do you know what the answer to your prayers are?

For the past several months I have been praying before I go to sleep. Now, this is probably a normal thing for most people but I usually don't pray. I'm not a super religious person, never have been, but I do believe there is a God out there somewhere, I just gotta wait for Sam and Dean Winchester to track him down. Anyway, I started this praying thing because, A)I needed to pray, it helped me feel a little better, and B) I'm used to talking to someone right before I fell asleep, so that helped too.

So now, here's my dilemma. How do I know what my answer is? I know I'm supposed to be patient or whatever and wait for a sign or something, but how does one know that that right there is the answer? Is it a feeling or a big flashing neon sign or a song that starts playing on the radio? I DON'T KNOW!!! I mean, my prayers have been basically the same thing every night. Some days I feel OK and some days I would love to go and fling myself off of a really tall bridge. And then other days Erik is all I can think about and I feel OK about it and others I want to hide from the world and cry all day long. And then there are the days I have been having lately, where I feel somewhat OK, even though I miss Erik all day long, and I just think to myself, "Hang in there, the fight isn't over yet, he can come back you just have to be patient and live your life and love yourself." Now, if these thoughts have any merit, that would be GREAT! But, what if they don't? What is my brain/heart are still just clinging? What if he never wants to speak to me again even though I feel like I'm at the point where I can call him and talk to him without my voice being shaky, just my hands on the other side of the phone where he can't see them! (Muahahah!)

I don't like "What ifs.." they make me nervous.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Obviously, I wasn't ready...

...even though I knew I wasn't.

Today I hung out with this guy from my history class. He's super nice and he can carry a conversation. All goo, right? Yes. But I just didn't want to be there. I've known since he started talking to me that he had a crush on me...and I'm not trying to have a big head or anything. He flirts. Which is fine. But I'm not entirely comfortable with it in my current state of mind. I told him the other day when he asked for us to "hang out" that I wasn't really ready to date because of my recent and extremely heartbreaking break up. He said he doesn't like labels, but yeah, he thinks I'm cute.
Side rant: What the hell is with "hang out"?!?! It's so freakin' vague! Say what you mean and mean what you say otherwise I don't wanna hear it! Grr!!

Anyway, I could tell going in that he was in "date mode." Which is really hard to fend off and I don't like it. From the moment I met up with him I felt really really uncomfortable. I went into it with the thought that "this is just a friend thing because that is what we agreed on..." but that is not what it felt like. I don't know, I feel really bad but I really don't want to do this again. He's really nice and everything and he can occasionally crack a semi-decent joke/quipp, but it just didn't feel right. I've had boyfriends early in high school that I felt that way with, but never for a second with Erik...

With Erik I could be my goofy and sarcastic self without feeling embarrassed or wondering how he might react because he didn't care and he would be "stupid" right along with me. With these other fellows I just felt like I needed to hide who I was, and that's not me. I'm outgoing and bubbly. I love to eat and make jokes. But with these people I feel so out of place and like I want to run and hide. It was never like that with Erik, and I thought that was such a great thing. I feel like it's important to feel comfortable and like you don't want to hide who you truly are and I want that feeling back. I would just like to feel like myself again and feel happy. *sigh*

Monday, July 12, 2010

Rain is the best

If I could ever pick the type of weather, I would always pick rain. It is perhaps the best thing and I love everything about it. Rain is beautiful. It smells good and it sounds just lovely. Every time it rains I feel like the world is being washed clean, and to me that is the most beautiful part of rain. There are also fun things to do in the rain. Like swimming and dancing and playing.

The reason for this post is that it has been raining all morning here in Ohio. While I was at work I just listened to it pound the metal roof of the building and I just marveled at how it sounded. I'm so easily amused...I know, but it's still a cool thing. I think my favorite thing to do when it is raining, OK two really, is to 1) curl up on the couch with a book and 2)to fall asleep to the sound of rain softly pattering on the side of my house. The other night I woke up to the rain, because it was pouring, and thought to myself, "Ahh, the best sound ever" and fell directly to sleep once again. Loved it!!!!

Rain on!

Friday, July 9, 2010

How do you know?

How do you know if you are ready to talk to your former significant other? It has been about two and a half months since I've talked to Erik. The longest two and a half months of my life...but today all I could think of was calling him and just saying hi. I mean, I've wanted to do that since the moment he walked out of my door and away from me for what feels like forever. But how do you know if you are ready? Erik was my best friend for the past two and a half years, sometimes I still feel like he is. He got me and knew me better than I knew myself sometimes and I absolutely loved that. But today, after having an incredibly long and tiring and just plain annoying day, I'll I wanted to do was curl up in bed and hear his voice on the other end of the phone. And not because I wanted to call and say, "I miss you and I love you," but to just see how he is. I mean, I miss him terribly, but I finally feel like there would be no underlying motive to my call. What stopped me then might you ask?? I am scared out of my mind!!! What if he doesn't answer and I leave a message and he never calls back? Or, what if he does answer and he acts like a jerk or he acts like..I don't know, something bad? My poor little heart can't take it. I hate nerves! He never made me nervous, he gave me butterflies in my stomach, but the good kind that made me smile and want to be around him all of the time. I don't know where to go from here...what if this is my window of opportunity and I have now missed it? Or, what if that would be the worst move that I could ever make? I don't know, this whole scary and unknown world with the boy I've been in love with for a long, long time, and the boy I will always love, is just hard to figure out. I don't know, what is the universe trying to tell me?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I love books!

I've always loved reading. It has always been a relaxing thing for me that I enjoy, and will always enjoy. Whenever I'm busy I stop reading anything that doesn't have to do with school, which makes me sad but is understandable because ya gotta do what ya gotta do. Anyway, since my sad sad breakup I have been reading A LOT. Which I love, but it makes me sad at the same time. I'm reading some novels I've wanted to read for quite some time so that makes me happy but just doesn't feel the same. However, I do enjoy delving into someone else's life and escaping my dull and pathetic one.
Anyway, the books I've been reading, all inexpicitly, have had to do with women and their breakups or lives without men. My most recent novel I finished is called A Little Ray of Sunshine. This book was funny, quick witted, and full of connections for the reader. I highly recommend this one to everyone just because of the witticism and sarcasm of the characters.
If you have any recommendations for a good read, please let me know!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

That was short lived

SO yesterday was awesome. I had so much fun with a lot of different people. I even got to play a sport I never really thought I would be able to again. I loved it! My hopes of staying happy were short lived... :/ I woke up just crushed...I don't get how I can go from such a high to such a terrible low... My body feels shaky once again and all I want to do is cry and call the one person who I don't know how I'm living is just too difficult sometimes.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Better Day. I hope it sticks

Today was actually pretty good. It started off by not going to work and kind of getting some sleep, but not really...BUT! After that, I went up to the Cleveland Botanical Gardens. I've signed up to volunteer there and I think that I'll be taking care of plants outside, but who knows yet. After that I got to see my Grandma, who is just awesome and adorable. :) She always makes me smile.

Then, the highlight. I went horseback riding!!! I haven't done that in years! And I loved every second of it. My horses name was Roxy, and she was pretty 'foxy.' Haha! No, she was really great. She took a little to get going at some points, especially when she wanted a snack along the way...Cam had a gassy, yet cute, horse named Moon. We had an legendary time and I can't wait to go back!

After we met a friend and went down to the Riverfront, which immediately reminded me as to why I never went there when I was in high was sooo lame! So we decided to be awesome instead and go to Hibachi instead...nom nom nom! I even got to play sand volleyball tonight! I miss volleyball a lot...and this was just a blast, even if we totally bombed!