Monday, July 26, 2010

"Can we still be friends..?"

These are perhaps that worst words one can hear during a break up...even if you want to stay friends with each other. Somehow, you know that it won't be the same, even if you were friends before you broke up. When Erik and I had been dating about 6 months, we made a promise to each other that no matter what, we'd always stay friends. This was a security feature that I don't think either of us would ever have to use because we were so crazy about each other and we could see ourselves down the road growing old together and always being around. Now, however, things have changed...obviously.

When Erik broke up with me 3 long months ago, he asked if we could stay friends. I said no. He said, we promised each other. I said, you're right, but I can't be 'just friends' with you right now, it hurts too much, I still love you too much. I asked for some time, which he agreed to. Now, three months later, it doesn't hurt so much. I honestly don't think the pain is ever going to go away. Some days I still well up in tears thinking about that horrible week and a half where my entire world got destroyed. I hated every second and I pretty much wanted to fling myself off a cliff...I lost so much weight and I'm still losing a little weight...I scares me.

Time moves so slow sometimes...If I have a major event going on I'm able to focus on that and not think about him, which helps. Lately I have been thinking about him less and less. It makes me sad but it makes me feel better at the same time. I'm able to do things without feeling held back, even when/if I feel extremely lonely (which makes things harder to deal with, but I'm working on it.)

Anyway, I called Erik on Saturday on my way home from the Irish Festival. I figured he'd be home from work if he was working that night. He didn't answer. I left a message...All I said was hi and that I missed having him in my life as my friend. I said I remembered how he wanted to be friends and I said thanks for giving me my time to get through the hard part...but now it's Monday afternoon and I haven't heard anything. It hurts. I figured he'd call. I guess I should have waited a little longer and I should have written a letter like my therapist suggested. Things may have turned out a little differently. But I wanted to talk to him. It wasn't a romantic longing to hear his voice either when I was a, I miss my best friend and I want to see how he's doing and to see if we could be 'just friends.' I guess he either isn't ready or isn't interested...I hope it's the first one because I really do miss him and I really don't want to lose this amazing guy in my life just like he said he didn't want to lose me three months ago...I hope that hasn't changed. I also hope that he hasn't moved on to someone else...that I don't think I could take. It's too soon...especially since he said he wanted to be single for a while...but in guy time, a while can me three days...ugh. I hate my life.

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