Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Day 11

A third of the way in and this 30 days of Truth is making me delve too much into the personal stuff and making me feel funny. (Probably because I never like to think about myself this much...I like to think about other people because then I don't have to think about how crappy things are going. But hey, maybe this is a really good thing.)

Something people compliment you on:

Lately people have been scraping me off the bottom of the emotional barrel that has become my life...and I appreciate them for that. (They have no idea...) Anyway, people have been reminding me of how great I am and everything, but I think the thing they compliment me on the most about is my personality. (And no, I don't think I'm an ugly girl...they tell me I'm beautiful and cute too--wow...I feel conceited...)

I like my personality too, actually! I can be a lot of fun when I'm not all down in the dull drums. I'm silly and I like to laugh and giggle. I like to tease people out of pure fun(and they know it). I'm also extremely sarcastic. Maybe not in my writing but in person....yeah, I am. Life just isn't right without a little bit of laughter in it.

I can be really bubbly and I like to make people smile and feel good about themselves. And it's easy because I feel like I only see the best in people. I'm also one of those people that likes to listen. It's in my genes I think. My Mom and my Grandma are both excellent listeners and advice-givers. It's nice to listen and help if I can. And I don't do it for me, I genuinely like to help people feel better.

I don't know...I hope that people are genuine in this compliment of me because it does make me feel better. Especially since I've felt rather worthless as of late. But that's beside the point. I think that I'm a great gal and I'm learning to love myself again and I hope you do too!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

I've known a lot of really crappy people in my short life. I mean, people who treat you like they couldn't care less about what happened to you because it was all about them. But would I ever want to get rid of them? I don't really think so. Wanna know why?? BECAUSE I SAID SO!

But really. I don't think I could ever pick someone I didn't want to know anymore. All of the people that I've known or met in my life are people that were there for a purpose and I wouldn't want to miss that learning opportunity. If I had, I wouldn't be the person I am today. No matter how badly they may have made me feel, I needed to go through that so that I could become the girl I am today and the woman I am to become in the future.

So to all of you who have hurt me or walked all over me, thank you. Thank you for teaching me to be a stronger person despite cruelty and mean actions. Thank you for being a part of my life and for showing me that no matter what, I can be a good person.

(I hope that didn't come off as wasn't meant to. I really am grateful for all of the lessons life has thrown my way.)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Church doesn't have to be lame

People think that the Catholic Church is crazy...and they would be correct. It;s full of crazy-super-conservative people that like to yell and blow up abortion clinics. But luckily we aren't all like that. Yesterday I went to see my Grandma as per usual on a Sunday. My mom and I took her to church and there is a new-ish priest there. I've never heard mass from him before but the mom has and she said he's really cool and that I'd like him.

Now, this is saying something. Not that I'm super picky and stuck up. I'm not!! It's just that I don't really agree with a lot of what the Catholic church has to say. I'm a pretty liberal person and I'm pretty accepting of whatever the hell you feel like doing. Go on you transsexual lesbians!!

Anyway, this guy was pretty freakin' awesome. (Can I use a slang curse to describe a priest?!) He was very personable. He doesn't like extraneous singing or super long prayers. Get to the point is the way he is. He doesn't even want announcements at the end because "People can read the bulletin" and he wants to get out of there just as much as the rest of us.

He definitely puts off a I'm-not-a-run-of-the-mill-priest persona. He wore Velcro sandals and I'm pretty sure he was wearing shorts under his vestments. He talked about his service work at the local jail and he even prayed for the priest on administrative leave.*

*First of all, priests have black clothes with a collar to wear under their vestments. So the shorts thing is like, WHOA! And second, no one, and I mean NO ONE ever ever ever speaks about the priests on administrative leave that were accused of child molestation. These man are like that freaky cousin you only pull out for Christmas cards and you never hear from them until next year.

Anyway, I really did enjoy him. On his way up to the altar his fist bumped a little girl and he tried to leave with the little kids who go down to their own bible reading during mass. He gave a really inspiring sermon about continuing to help others even when you've been stomped on and walked all over and taken advantage of. I've been feeling like this has been happening to me a lot lately and it helped me to see that I help people because I like to and that it is a good thing that I do. Maybe they will pass on the helping hand to someone else or they will be really grateful and do something in return. Either way it doesn't matter because I can know that I helped someone without expecting anything in return and that's exactly what I want to do. I like helping people. I just don't enjoy being taken advantage of, but that is just part of the job, isn't it?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

bloggy game!

So my friend Denise (who is awesome by the way) posted me in this blog game thing where they ask you some questions you have to answer. I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to ask some back, but since I don't feel like it and I can't think of any good questions to write, I probably won't. But oh well!! Here goes nothing!

1. What do you lose most often? Your phone? Your keys? Your mind...? And where is it usually hiding.

Hmmm...I usually lose my phone in the big black abyss that is my purse. I have way too many things in there and I should really try cleaning it out a little more often than I do...then perhaps I'd be able to find things more often.

2. What was your first job? Did you like it? And what was one thing you learned from it you still use in your current big(er) person job?

Well, my first job was a consessionaire at Maplewood. I sat in a hot room and served people food for fifteen minutes every hour. It wasn't really a big deal but when we were busy, we were BUSY. I guess I learned how to work fast and be a people person. I now know how to multi-task fairly easily and how to systematically do things.

3. Favorite book(s)?

My favorite books are adventure/fantasy type books. I love love love the Harry Potter series. I love getting lost in a new and exciting world that is nothing like mine. It gives me a chance to escape my own life and to enter someone elses and make me feel better that I'm not being chased by some ginormous beast.

4. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

I love my personality. I feel like I can be a lot of fun. I'm very animated in everything I do- I like to make faces and talk with my hands and I change the inflection in my voice quite a bit. I'm also really sarcastic so that just makes life a little more interesting. I mean, who doesn't like a little spice to the life?

5. What's your favorite thing about me? (ha ha ha, I have to ask, I'm a curious lass)

Denise, I love how smart you are. You are so much fun to talk to and you always understand where I'm coming from. You always listen no matter what and I really appreciate that. You are an awesome friend and I love you!!!

6. Cats or dogs? What's your favorite? Why? If neither, what is your favorite pet type animal?

I love dogs!!! They are so darn cute and I just love them so much! They always play with you and they always love you. I love that they come when you call them and that they listen to your commands. I also love how smart they are. They may not seem it all of them time, like when they're nomming on your shoe, but they really are smarties.

7. Does it annoy you that all these are multi part questions? Kidding, real question: Any tattoos? Attach a photo if you're brave.

No... :( But I know what tattoo I want!! It looks like this:

It obviously won't have the necklace loop on it but that's kind of what I want on my right foot by my pinkie toe. I think it would be cute.

8. What is one skill you don't have that you’d like to learn?

Honestly I would love to have magical powers...but since we all know that isn't possible...I think I'd like art skills. Life drawing and painting. I've never been very good at the artistic outlets. I used to dance but I blew my stupid knees out so that doesn't work anymore...other than that I don't really have an outlet(except this blog, and I'm still working on making it somewhat decent...).

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The seasons change and so do we

Losing a best friend is one of the hardest things to go through. And I've gone through it multiple times. But somehow, losing a friend to distance or distraction is worse. You say, "Don't worry! We'll always be friends, you have nothing to worry about!" But then you go to a different school or you get a job and you don't see them anymore. You use your modern technology to stay in touch: texting(because no one likes to talk on the phone anymore), facebook, myspace (does anyone actually use that anymore??), e-mail...but nothing just ever seems to be enough. We all get wrapped up in our own busy lives and forget about those people that "we could never live without" in high school. And things just never seem to be the same.

Someone you didn't want to lose, but just drifted:

I loved being in theatre in high school. I made some of the greatest friends and the greatest memories while being at school until all hours of the night. My freshman year we did my favorite show, A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespere. During this show I met one of the best people I could ever meet. I felt like we were destined to be friends for a very long time. His name was Justin and he was a year older than me. Funnily enough he got kicked out of that show for smacking some jeans together to scare some girls...yeah, I went to a funny school! hahahaha!

From then on we were pretty inseperable. His girlfriend hated me because he and I were so close, but I didn't care because we both knew there was nothing for her to worry about. We were friends and that's it.

We were always laughing. Hysterically. We made jokes about each other and about other people. It was all in good fun. Then we would get on stage and have a blast performing.

In my junior year, his senior, we, along with a few others, thought it would be a really smart idea to eat a box of microwavable popcorn in our forty-eight minute study hall. Oh. My. God. I didn't eat popcorn for like a year I felt so disgusting. I smelled like popcorn. Ugh....the memory makes me belly churn.

Anyway, he graduated and went off to college. We promised we would stay in touch but it kind of never happened...I remember trying to stay in touch via the book of faces but he was busy trying to get in the groove of college and I get that. I get that it just bums me out because we were so close once.

Today we comment to each other every blue moon. And in the summer we'll see each other and catch up over a cup of coffee but that's about it. Every time we see each other we have a blast though, so I know we still "got it." Whatever "IT" is anyway...

I miss you, Justin!!!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Someone who had made your life hell...

I've had my fair share of mean people throughout my life and it's kind of hard to pick just one...and that makes me feel sorry for all of those people who just like to hurt others to make themselves feel better. As I'm sitting here typing this, pictures of different people have been popping into the front of my mind...they are mostly girls I've known, but some are guys. (I haven't had a whole lot of good interaction with the opposite sex, but some very special guys have made up for it!)

I had picked someone, but as I began to think of how to put everything into words, another face jumped to the front of my mind and a pain and anger I hadn't felt in a while rose up within me. SO I figure I should write about her...

Her name is Ali. We met our freshman year of high school at volleyball and we were instant friends. I really liked her. We got along well and we had a lot in common. By the end of our first year we were pretty much inseparable and I could see us being good friends for the rest of our lives.

Sophomore year started off great! I had a lot of good friends, which was more than I could say when I entered high school, and I was doing well in my classes. I knew people from all grades because I was so involved with everything and I loved it! There was a friend of mine, Steve, who was one of my favorite people. We were basically brother and sister. Ali told me she really liked Steve, and I knew he would fall for her easy because she was so great, so I played matchmaker. They hit it off even better than I thought. But then the storm came...

Ali had started acting weird toward me. Cold. Stand-offish. I asked her if everything was ok, and she said yes. But then one day she handed me a note that torn me apart. She said she felt like I was "trying to steal her boyfriend" and that she felt she "had to be the bitchy girlfriend."

I basically died inside. I would NEVER do that. And I repeat, NEVER DO THAT. Plus it didn't make any sense to me since I SET THEM UP.

So my little happy world of friends began to crumble around me. Quite a few of the girls Ali and I had spent time with together began to take sides. And they all took hers, which again, I didn't understand why. It may have been me thinking they were since I was in a deep state of depression due to this accusation. I felt like I had no friends and that no one liked me anymore. I was in theatre but I felt isolated because she was too. At that point, we had signed up to watch the little kids that were in Cinderella but she went to the director and asked to be taken off "for the good of the kids."

From there I kept losing things. Steve eventually called me in the fall and told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore. I kept feeling more and more isolated and that no one liked me. I was so unhappy and I felt like no one cared. I lost what little confidence I had and it took a really long time to get it back. Once I stopped caring what other people thought about me and embraced the few friends that truly cared about me at the time, I was so much happier.

I know this was stupid high school drama, but it really hurt me at the time and sometimes I remember how I felt and I hurt all over again. I think it's one of those wounds that won't ever heal completely. I probably could have picked someone else who treated me worse, but this one, for some reason, still bothers me.

The things that I do like to remember though are how awesome my friends are and how much I love them. And how, without them, I wouldn't be here right now.

Monday, September 20, 2010

That good old Irish guilt

Oh the irony of your heritage...

Yes, I'm Irish...and I am PROUD of it! :) I'm a quarter Irish and then about a twelve other things...but we (my family) ignore those...we're Irish, mmk?!

I know I don't really "look" Irish because I don't have that flowing red hair or the pale skin of an albino, but I really am! I love me some potatoes and I have that good ol' Irish guilt.

Now, you may be asking what is this Irish guilt you speak of? Well, basically it ties to our strong Catholic roots and the issue of sin. If we do something wrong it is drilled into us that we are terrible people for what we have done and we do everything in our power to make it better.

And now we get serious...This is my problem with my depression, my anxiety, and my breakup.

I can't seem to let myself off the hook for what happened and I'm taking all of the blame when I know I shouldn't be. This is something else I need to change about myself. I need to know that it wasn't all my fault and that Erik had a big part in this. This isn't a guilt I need to own entirely on my own. I need to tell myself that every day. I need to remind myself that he took out his frustrations with his mom on me and that wasn't fair. I also need to remind myself that he didn't communicate his feelings with me and that wasn't something I could make him do no matter how many times I asked him.

This is hard for me because I'm used to taking all of the blame and the hurt because I was always taught to be "the bigger person." And I think that I ingrained that so much in my thinking that I felt like I needed to take the responsibility of actions for everyone.

I know I need to pick myself up off the metaphorical floor(and sometimes the actual floor..) and keep going because only I can make myself better. I can beat this feeling of emptiness and sadness because it isn't who I am. I am a happy person who wants to have fun. I've been her before and I can be her again, especially since I was so fond of her.

And a little song that describes me right now:

All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

I'm not half the man I used to be,
There's a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she
Had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I said,
Something wrong, now I long for yesterday.

Love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

-Yesterday: The Beatles

Sunday, September 19, 2010

This is to the mama

It's tough thinking of someone who has truly made your life worth living. Someone who makes you want to keep going no matter what, even when you basically feel like you have hit so rock bottom that there is no way to ever get up again. That's a lot of pressure on one person. When I started thinking about it I could think of a bunch of people from my friends and my family, but none of them mattered as the woman who gave me life and who continues to inspire me everyday.

This is for you, mom!

My mother, Claire, is a very special woman. I may want to kill her every now and again, but what healthy mother-daughter relationship doesn't have that feeling sometimes? She works hard and does the best she can. Whenever she has a bad day she may get angry and vent, but it's usually funny just because she's got that type of humor.

She works as a secretary at the local high school but she just graduated from college. She received her degree in post-secondary integrated language arts. (A.K.A.- High School English teacher.) She started going back to school when I was in the fifth or sixth grade and I know it was hard for her. She never gave up though, even when she thought she wouldn't graduate when she had planned. This gave me such inspiration. Whenever I feel like I can't do this, or this is too hard, I just think of my mom going back to school to pursue her dreams of being a teacher.

When I was growing up, we didn't have a lot of money. My dad didn't really do the whole child-support thing like he should have but my mom always did her best. She worked a couple of jobs and worked hard to make ends meet. Even though she was busy trying to keep us afloat money-wise, she always made time for me and my brother. I never noticed that we didn't have a lot because I never wanted for anything. We went to the pool in the summer and sledding in the winter. We always saw our family and we always had fun.

She shows me everyday that giving up is the wrong thing to do. She has taught me so much in the past twenty years and I know I have tons more to learn from her. So, I love you, Mom!!! You rock my socks! :D

[I think she might kill me for this picture...but she should let me take her picture more often]

Friday, September 17, 2010

Something I hope I never have to do...

I've been thinking about this one and I'm not really sure what it is that I hope to never do. I mean, there are a lot of really horrible things in this world and you can't really avoid them no matter what. Heart ache, death, cancer, any other horrible disease...none of these things are good and none of them are fun. But what is it that I truly hope to avoid? That I wouldn't touch with a 9 1/2 foot pole? I really don't know....

I can't say that I've lived through a genocide or that I know anyone that has been murdered, but I do know that my life has been no cake walk. I know I complain sometimes but I really shouldn't. I've always had what I've needed: a warm bed, three meals, a loving family. Why should I complain, right?

There is a day, though, that sticks out in my mind that I would NEVER in my life want to live through ever ever again. It was April 16, 2010. This is the day, I feel, that I lost so much.

On that day my cousin woke up in a hospital ER and she called me sobbing. Luckily I was awake at 5:00 a.m. for work so that I could go and get her. When I arrived at the hospital I found out some really devastating news while holding my cousin, who is like my little sister, in my arms, trying to calm her sobs. She was found naked, passed out, in front of her dorm room door. No one knew how she got there. She didn't remember what happened. The last thing she remembered was hanging out in her friends dorm two floors below drinking with some friends. The nurse said she had refused a rape kit. I tried to get her to do it. She wouldn't. She said she trusted the people she was with and didn't think that would do anything like that to her. I took her back to my house and put her in my bed to sleep.

The rest of the morning was a blur. I went back to work and then went home. I skipped my class that morning because I wanted to be home with my cousin woke up. When she finally did I talked to her about going back to the hospital to get a kit done, just to be safe, I said. She agreed but wanted to call her friend whose room she had been in the night before, just to see if she knew what happened. She didn't. In fact, she had woken up in a peculiar way...she wasn't in pajamas. She was in leggings. That's it. And she hadn't worn leggings that night before. My heart dropped. I told her that I was taking my cousin to the hospital. I offered to come and get her as well. She said yes. My heart was just all over the place. I felt helpless and like life was ending. Not one, but two people I cared about were in a position I would never wish on anyone. I had been talking to Erik about it all day and I was stressing out. I needed him but I felt like he wasn't supporting me. He had a concert that night that he was going to with his friends, and I wasn't asking him to skip it, I was asking him not to play raquett ball and talk to me. I needed that distraction, but he couldn't give it to me. We got in to a fight that started us on the road to our breakup...

So the girls called their mothers. Two conversations I never wanted to have. I promised them that I would stay with them and be there no matter what. They were on their way, but they needed me. I had two mothers, the women that are supposed to be depended upon, depending on me. I was trying to comfort them while trying not to fall apart myself. I was telling these two girls everything was going to be ok. Hugging them and letting them joke away the situation.

You know how bad things happen in threes? Well...ta da! In the afternoon one of my friends from high school texted me and told me that I girl I had gone to high school with died unexpectedly. It was like the cherry on top of the cake of misery.

All in all I had spent about ten hours in the hospital. I felt like my life was crumbling and I was losing everything. Definately an experience that I would never want to go through again and I would never wish that on anyone.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Just a blonde joke.

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump.."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

Have a happy tuesday!! :)

Monday, September 13, 2010

Boys make me angry sometimes...

OK, boys, you are very very very frustrating. You get mad at us girls because you think we're speaking "in code." Well, guess what. We aren't. We say what we mean and we mean what we say. (At least I do...) Yes, I know there are those "crazy girls" out there that like to play mind games because they want you to be confused as all hell, but there are a lot of us out there that don't want to do that.

So getting to my point...LISTEN TO US. Listen because what we are saying usually has some important meaning to us and listening gets you cookies. Pushing us doesn't make us want to do something, it makes us just do it to make you happy even though we are miserable. Compromising is awesome. Try it.

This is my story about why boys anger/frustrate me.

As you all know I just got out of a super serious relationship that I'm still sad about and that I'm working so hard to get over. This guy named Patrick just doesn't seem to get it...

I met him in my English class over the summer. He's super nice and super sweet and his is a cutie pie. The other day he made it very well known to me that he likes me. A lot. I'm flattered but I'm not sure that I'm totally "into him" like he is "into me." I was thinking, perhaps, that I was looking for bad qualities in him so that way I had a reason to turn him down. So I decided to be open-minded. This didn't really change much. I feel like he has been being a really clingy girl the past few days. He texted me all the time, and when I didn't respond because A) I had nothing to say or B) I was busy doing something he would text me again.

Now, I told him the very basic, my boyfriend broke up with me and I'm still sad about it, story. I also said that I didn't think I was ready for this. He said, that's why we'll take things "slow." (Why he needed the quotes, I don't know) But I know I'm not ready. I'm still sad and I still cry every once in awhile. I mean, I miss my best friend and the guy who was going to be with me forever...who wouldn't miss that person and need an exhorbanant amount of time to get over it?

I'm thinking I'm going to tell him I can't go on a date with him. I'm not ready for all of this. It's too much drama. I'm not happy by myself yet, so how could I be happy and make someone else happy when I, myself, am not happy? (sorry if that was confusing...) Basically, I need to be happy on my own. I need to know, completely, who I am. I lost myself several months ago (even before my break up) and I need to find myself. Plus, I'm leaving in four months for a country far far away. Why would I do that to myself, or to someone else?

Now, I know I've sounded quite bitchy about Patrick...and I know that that is bad, but I don't know how else to put it. He's been trying to show off but I've been feeling like it's really pompous behavior. It bugs me. It also bugs me that I can't get the space I need to be single to get over this pain. I don't want to jump from one relationship to another. That isn't me. And who WANTS to be a rebound? That just sounds crazy to me....

Ok...angry, bitchy rant over.

P.S.- Insight is always appreciated.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Oh to be a kid again

Today I was on a break between classes and I started thinking...(I know, big shocker there, right??)...I am a really boring person. I mean, I have fun with my friends and everything but I don't actually go out and do stuff. I'm always working or I'm always doing homework. When I'm not doing that stuff I like to sit at home and do nothing..and by nothing I mean that I like to watch TV or read a book. Either way, I'm not out and about doing stupid things like other people my age. And I don't mean stupid like getting high, I just mean stupid like having fun doing things that kids in college do. Like going out and staying out until I am half asleep and drinking (or not drinking...I can't decide).

I feel like I'm missing out on my life. The past few days people have been telling me how awesome I am and how much fun I am. It's not that I don't appreciate that, because I really do. I'm glad people like me. But why doesn't anyone ever invite me to do anything? Why am I always the one to do the inviting?? Every once in awhile it would be nice to be the invited, not the inviter. I think I know that answer, and I already said it once, I'm BORING. Boring people aren't asked out anywhere. They're asked to take you places or do you a favor, they aren't asked to hang out on a whim unless the person asking needs something.

This is all bringing me to...

Something I hope to do in Life:

I want to be someone full of life. I've always said that I'm young at heart, but I don't know if that's true. I feel like I've been acting like I'm 40 instead of 20. I'm twenty years old and I don't like to do anything. I like to lay around and be comfortable. This, I know, needs to change. I need to embrace my life. I'm skipping to the end and missing the best part. I need to start living. I mean, what's the point if you aren't having a little fun and getting into a little(legal) mischief?

So, starting now, I'm going to be living life to the fullest. I'm going to go out and have fun with my friends. I'm going to meet new people. I'm going to get ready for Switzerland and love every second of it. I'm going to be young at heart and young at mind. I'm done being old. Just because I'm mature and have a lot of logic up in my noggin doesn't mean I need to act like an old spinster.

Let's have fun! :P

Friday, September 3, 2010

A long time coming...

When you need to tell someone you're sorry, it can be the hardest thing. But something that can be harder is telling someone why they need to apologize. I've written before about my bad realtionship with my father. (I call him father because it takes much more to be a dad.) Anyway, I've had a really difficult relationship with him since I was about nine and it's always been bad. He's treated me poorly and told me it was my fault. He treated my brother poorly and told him to get over it or he wouldn't help him out anymore. He called my mom names and told me how awful of a person she is. The older I got and the more I heard these things the angrier I got. Eventually I just stopped. I stopped caring what he said and what he thought. He didn't support me, he just ignored me. He told me that he didn't have to be at things like my high school plays when I wasn't onstage and that he couldn't be somewhere because my mom was going to be there. Well, I just think that's wrong. He is supposed to be the adult, not me.

I've been told over and over again that I need to tell him everything. That I need to stand up to him and make him know how he's hurt me and that it wasn't right. But I've never been able to do that. I don't know why I haven't. Maybe it's because I still have this complex in my head that tells me that if I try just a little bit harder he'll realize how great I am and want to talk to me all of the time...

The past year or two I've gotten to the point where I don't care. I don't care how he acts because he doesn't. I don't care that he doesn't know anything about me, mainly because I don't think he deserves to know. (Like I said before, it takes more to be a dad than a father...) I don't care that he ignores me and gets mad when I don't call him because he never did. He never seemed to care. And that's his fault, not mine.

Something I need to forgive someone for:

Dad, I forgive you for being who you are. I forgive you for never being around and for thinking only of yourself. You are a selfish person and I'm glad you weren't around when I was growing up because I didn't learn to be selfish like you. Instead, I learned to be like my mom. Hard-working and caring. Someone who does everything for everyone just so that they are happy. For that I am grateful.

However, I don't forgive you for bailing on me. I don't forgive you for not talking to me and ignoring me. I needed a dad. I needed a male role model to look up to and admire so I know how I'm supposed to be treated. Now I only get slight examples from my friend's dad's who only occasionally see me. I don't forgive you for not being there for me when a girl needs her daddy. These are things I can't let you go on. You don't deserve to get off that easy. I wish things were different but that's how it is.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Feelings and Forgiveness and Stuff

So I've been avoiding my blog for a few days...mainly because I haven't wanted to write what I know I need to write about for my next 30 days of truth entry. Also I've been stressed out from starting school and I've had some very emotional days...yes, my life is a box full of joy!

And I know I've been super over emotional for a long time now. It's my depression...I wish I knew what else it was. I'm not an overly emotional type of girl...I've actually gotten pretty good about hiding emotions when I want to. This summer has kind of broken that. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

On Friday I had a really big epiphany. And I mean BIG. I realized that my breakup with Erik was about 85% my fault. It's hard to admit because I hate myself for doing this. I've been beating myself up for hurting the one person I've ever truly loved. I've probably lost him forever and I hate myself even more for that. And yes, I know that he had his faults in this too...he didn't communicate well and he wasn't assertive. He somehow made me make all of the decisions in the end, which was weird because throughout our relationship I always felt like we were a team and that we made decisions together and did things that we both wanted to do because we were on a path together, reaching for a common goal.

I know I need to apologize to him, and I will. (I just need to formulate the words, write them down, and send the letter, I just don't know when because it's kind of soon since the infamous phone call at the end of July. I don't want to make him feel like I'm pushing myself/my presence into his life. I want him to have his space like he asked for.) I treated him terribly. It's no wonder he said, "I don't love you anymore." And now this is pure guess work but it's how I'm thinking... It's not that he stopped loving me, it's that he didn't love the person I was being and through a lot of thinking, I realized that I had become the controlling and possessive/obsessive person he told me I had become. This isn't me. I don't know why I was acting like that. It's my goal never to be like that again because a)it made me lose the person I love and b)it's stupid. I don't want to be mean. I like being a nice person. That's how people see me. I'm a giver people! Why did I do this?! Which brings me to...

Something I need to forgive myself for...

I need to forgive myself for treating Erik that way. It's the first step to helping me heal myself. I've been going to therapy trying to make sense of it all and nothing has made sense except for my guilt and wrongs in this whole thing. I need to let go of the hurt I caused because the longer I hold onto it, the longer it will take for you-know-who to forgive me. SO, Ellen, forgive yourself for hurting him. It was a mistake. A mistake that you can take and learn and grow from. You know now not to take for granted the people you love and the people who love you. You know now that you can't just take your stress/aggression/any-other-bad-emotion out on the people you love just because you think they'll stick around through it all. People are allowed (and should) to stand up for themselves. You can't just run over people because you are more assertive than they are. So, take a deep breath and know that it'll be OK sooner or later. Here's hoping it's sooner! You're on the road to recovery, no matter how much it hurts.