Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Feelings and Forgiveness and Stuff

So I've been avoiding my blog for a few days...mainly because I haven't wanted to write what I know I need to write about for my next 30 days of truth entry. Also I've been stressed out from starting school and I've had some very emotional days...yes, my life is a box full of joy!

And I know I've been super over emotional for a long time now. It's my depression...I wish I knew what else it was. I'm not an overly emotional type of girl...I've actually gotten pretty good about hiding emotions when I want to. This summer has kind of broken that. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

On Friday I had a really big epiphany. And I mean BIG. I realized that my breakup with Erik was about 85% my fault. It's hard to admit because I hate myself for doing this. I've been beating myself up for hurting the one person I've ever truly loved. I've probably lost him forever and I hate myself even more for that. And yes, I know that he had his faults in this too...he didn't communicate well and he wasn't assertive. He somehow made me make all of the decisions in the end, which was weird because throughout our relationship I always felt like we were a team and that we made decisions together and did things that we both wanted to do because we were on a path together, reaching for a common goal.

I know I need to apologize to him, and I will. (I just need to formulate the words, write them down, and send the letter, I just don't know when because it's kind of soon since the infamous phone call at the end of July. I don't want to make him feel like I'm pushing myself/my presence into his life. I want him to have his space like he asked for.) I treated him terribly. It's no wonder he said, "I don't love you anymore." And now this is pure guess work but it's how I'm thinking... It's not that he stopped loving me, it's that he didn't love the person I was being and through a lot of thinking, I realized that I had become the controlling and possessive/obsessive person he told me I had become. This isn't me. I don't know why I was acting like that. It's my goal never to be like that again because a)it made me lose the person I love and b)it's stupid. I don't want to be mean. I like being a nice person. That's how people see me. I'm a giver people! Why did I do this?! Which brings me to...

Something I need to forgive myself for...

I need to forgive myself for treating Erik that way. It's the first step to helping me heal myself. I've been going to therapy trying to make sense of it all and nothing has made sense except for my guilt and wrongs in this whole thing. I need to let go of the hurt I caused because the longer I hold onto it, the longer it will take for you-know-who to forgive me. SO, Ellen, forgive yourself for hurting him. It was a mistake. A mistake that you can take and learn and grow from. You know now not to take for granted the people you love and the people who love you. You know now that you can't just take your stress/aggression/any-other-bad-emotion out on the people you love just because you think they'll stick around through it all. People are allowed (and should) to stand up for themselves. You can't just run over people because you are more assertive than they are. So, take a deep breath and know that it'll be OK sooner or later. Here's hoping it's sooner! You're on the road to recovery, no matter how much it hurts.

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