...even though I knew I wasn't.
Today I hung out with this guy from my history class. He's super nice and he can carry a conversation. All goo, right? Yes. But I just didn't want to be there. I've known since he started talking to me that he had a crush on me...and I'm not trying to have a big head or anything. He flirts. Which is fine. But I'm not entirely comfortable with it in my current state of mind. I told him the other day when he asked for us to "hang out" that I wasn't really ready to date because of my recent and extremely heartbreaking break up. He said he doesn't like labels, but yeah, he thinks I'm cute.
Side rant: What the hell is with "hang out"?!?! It's so freakin' vague! Say what you mean and mean what you say otherwise I don't wanna hear it! Grr!!
Anyway, I could tell going in that he was in "date mode." Which is really hard to fend off and I don't like it. From the moment I met up with him I felt really really uncomfortable. I went into it with the thought that "this is just a friend thing because that is what we agreed on..." but that is not what it felt like. I don't know, I feel really bad but I really don't want to do this again. He's really nice and everything and he can occasionally crack a semi-decent joke/quipp, but it just didn't feel right. I've had boyfriends early in high school that I felt that way with, but never for a second with Erik...
With Erik I could be my goofy and sarcastic self without feeling embarrassed or wondering how he might react because he didn't care and he would be "stupid" right along with me. With these other fellows I just felt like I needed to hide who I was, and that's not me. I'm outgoing and bubbly. I love to eat and make jokes. But with these people I feel so out of place and like I want to run and hide. It was never like that with Erik, and I thought that was such a great thing. I feel like it's important to feel comfortable and like you don't want to hide who you truly are and I want that feeling back. I would just like to feel like myself again and feel happy. *sigh*
Some day you'll look back on this guy and laugh. "Date Mode" "Fend off" that stuff is funny in the right context... I read your blog when I was in NY but for some reason I couldn't comment, forgive me... Anyways, think about it like this, when you and erik started dating you were ready to be in a relationship, and that is why it was fun and easy. Right now anything will seem wrong and weird with a big side of AWKWARD. It's true that you'll never know until you try, but don't try until you're more ready; obviously this guy was using a line with "I don't like labels". That could also mean "I'm into you but not enough to be exclusive". Don't fret, he was a lemon.
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