This has been an interesting week full of ups and downs. Really just downs with the regular old meh...I found out the old boyfriend has a new girlfriend and that has been hard to handle. I think because he said we could maybe get back together. I guess the emphasis was on the maybe and leaning toward the not...but this has pretty much pushed me to just let go of everything.
I sat on my couch the other night sobbing to my mother about how upset I was about everything he has done to me. He abandoned me on the day I needed him most and he stopped communicating with me. I was willing to talk about it and forgive him for it because that is how much I love him. I know that loving someone is letting things go, especially when you love them so much you would kill for them and die for them. I couldn't imagine my life without him while we were dating. And now that he isn't here it's not a life I like very much. He's now in the life of some other girl and that kills. The thought of them together kills more than anything though. I trusted him so much and knew I could rely on this guy for anything. Now I have such major trust issues again I don't know where to go from here. I feel really lonely and really empty.
There are certain people that, when I spend time with them, make me feel alive. But then I always feel like they are looking at me, waiting for me to break. I just can't take that anymore. I'm tired of people asking me what I've eaten today and that I need to gain some weight. It's not that I want to keep losing weight or that I don't want to eat. I love food. It's that my stomach no longer does. I eat and then about forty-five to sixty minutes later I'm in the bathroom...This hasn't been fun, why would I want it to continue?
I've been going to therapy and stuff and it helps. I love going and just talking because he has to listen to me because I'm paying for him to sit there and listen to me cry. I've been trying so hard not to talk about how I'm feeling anymore to my friends because I'm afraid of scaring them off. I know I get sick of hearing the same crap over and over again, even though I just keep listening, but I don't want people to get sick of me. I can't expect people to be like me and just sit and listen, no matter how redundant that person has become. That's just how I show people I love them. I'm a helper and a fixer. Anyway, my therapist told me to go see my family physician because I've been getting large, unexplained bruises on my legs for weeks. It started at the beginning of the summer, stopped, but they're back now. He thought maybe I was anemic, but I got the results of my blood work back and it came back normal. So now I have no idea...
So this whole depression thing really sucks. I just need to figure out where is came from because I know it started before my break up. I just wish I knew from where. So the digging is still going, I just hope I find it soon because I'm really sick of feeling this way. I sick of being so sad and not letting myself enjoy my life. That's really what I'm doing. I'm not enjoying anything. I don't know why. I used to have so much fun and now it's like going from one good thing and then waiting for time to slowly drag by until something else good comes by. I started taking some low dose medicine to help. I'm not really thrilled about it but hopefully it helps slow down my brain and helps me relax so I can figure everything out and start feeling better sooner.
I hope that soon I'll stop missing the guy who made me feel so amazing and happy. And I hope that soon I'll be able to make myself feel more amazing and happy than he ever did.
This will get better.