Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Something you Hate about yourself

I've been pondering this all morning. It wasn't hard to think of things that I don't particularly like about myself, but hate? It's such a harsh word...but something I did come up with!

I've always been a hard-worker and I've always tried to make things just right. And I'm not talking just looking right or sounding right, but every little detail. I like things to be as nice as possible for everyone. I'm not so worried about myself in these instances as others...it's just how my brain works. So basically what I hate about my self is my obsession with the way I want things to be.

I don't know how I got this way. I think, perhaps, it stems from my childhood...when my parents got divorced I think I thought, "Maybe, just maybe, if I work my butt off and get good grades, no one will notice that my parents aren't together. And my parents will be proud and will still love me." (Not that they ever did...I was seven ok?! I didn't realize they would always love me just because they created me.) Well, from there I think that it just grew...I mean, I've liked the hard work, but I wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn't taken that path...and that just weirds me out so we're going to leave that. At least for now...

Through out school and work, I've always wanted everyone to be happy. I'm a people pleaser. If I didn't do something to their liking, I'd fix it until it was right. I'd rather give something to someone than get something. I'm always picking up the pieces. Some of my friends call me "Mom" just because I'm always there to take care of them and help them out of a tight spot. It doesn't really bother me. I'm just responsible. I had to grow up pretty fast.

My obsession to make things just right has created other problems for me too. I like to make sure that when something is supposed to happen on a specific day or at a specific time that it does. So I get stuck in routines. People are creatures of habit, but I get used to things very quickly. I know now that this became a problem in my relationship with Erik.

(I'm sorry, I know I brought it up...but I feel like this is important for me to get off of my chest...)

With Erik, we saw each other every Wednesday and Sunday because that's how our work and school schedules worked. We planned it that way. We tried to see each other a couple other days for lunch or something like that, but we always saw each other those days. The fact that I always knew when I was going to see him was nice, but I think it also put a terrible strain on our relationship. I got expectations, and when they were broken because of other plans I got upset. I don't know why. He wasn't trying to intentionally hurt me. I was so stupid. I just loved seeing him so much that when I thought it wasn't going to happen I got really upset. Why couldn't I just go with the flow?!

When I realized all of that, I got really upset with myself. Who the hell possessed me to do all of that crazy stuff? That isn't me! I'm not like that! Ugh...Why would I screw up the one relationship that was most important to me?? I would love to fix this with Erik, but I know that I need to fix this with myself first. I've been trying more and more since April to just go with the flow. When people don't know specific details I just wait. If they need to cancel, it's cool. It's getting easier. Why should I be all uptight about small, unimportant things? It's stupid and just causes drama. I hate drama!

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