Yesterday I had a breakthrough. It wasn't anything that I didn't already know, but someone said it to me. And I said it too. Out loud. For me to hear and not just to think. For some reason saying things out loud helps, no matter how hard it is to actually say these things out loud. *deep breaths*
So this breakthrough. I realized that I have to be happy first. I knew this already, but saying it really made it click. What will make me happy? I don't completely know, but I'm tired of sitting in limbo land waiting for something that, honestly, is never going to come. I can't wait forever for someone I love to love me back. Because it's ludicrous. Yes, I will always love Erik. But I'm not going to wait for him to wake up and realize that he still loves me or that he can't live without me. More than likely, this will NEVER happen. I need to stop waiting. If he wanted to be with me, he would have contacted me already. That hurts but you know what? I'm going to be just fine!!! Yes world, I've said it. I'm going to be fine! I want to feel alive again. I want to actually be happy and not by mopey all of the time because I'm just letting life pass me by and what's the point in that?!
I want to move on. It makes me sad that it's time for that because I will always love Erik. There's nothing I can do about that. Lately I've been thinking about him less which should be a good thing to most people but this makes me sad. I've always thought about him. I've never had to force it, he just kinda pops into my thoughts and I liked that. What I do know is that moving on isn't about finding some new guy to escort me around town. I'm far from ready for that. It isn't fair to me emotionally and it definitely isn't fair to any guy that is in to me. So, what do I do? I figure out who I am again as a single woman. Omg I cannot believe I'm calling myself a woman! Ahhh!! In high school I found my confidence. It took awhile but once I did I didn't care what anyone thought because I was happy with the type of person I had become and that's what matters. I still feel that way, I just feel less secure in that feeling because...well, I don't know exactly why, but it's ok, I'll figure it out.
Self discovery is awesome. I'll get there some day. Probably sooner than I think.