Look away!!!

So I just had a revelation that I haven't written a 30 Days of Truth post in for.ev.er. BUT I just can't think of something good enough to blog about for the next one...it's just so...UGH....

So I'm just going to avoid it. Again. Because that's what I'm good at. Avoiding. HA.

Aaaaaannnyway, I can't believe that my trip is seriously six days away. SIX! Six months ago it felt like it wasn't ever going to be here and now it is and I'm just kind of freaking out!

Speaking of freaking out...my mother is freaking out more than I am I think but she just isn't expressing it well. I get you're freaked out there mom, but seriously, no one likes to be yelled at for telling you she's going to a movie after work. Seriously. Chill pill. You. Now. Thanks.

I need to get some of this packing done. Procrastination just sounds like such a better plan though. I mean, keeping everything strewn across my bedroom floor just sounds like such a much better plan. Although, it makes me not want to walk in there. I literally walked in there to get a book for a friend earlier and I wanted to just turn around, close the door, and pretend that didn't happen. Instead I forged the massive mountain of crap in front of my dresser on the way to my overflowing bookshelf and hoped that I wouldn't fall and get lost in the dark abyss of newly acquired business clothes (BORING!) that would consume me saying, "haaha! You bought us out of pity because you need us to work but really don't want us. It' payback time." I need a maid...any takers? I don't pay but I'll give you cookies!

It's sad but my room scares me. Is that wrong? I mean, I shouldn't be afraid to enter the sacred space of Ellen. It should be my zen space right? Instead it's my "pen place." (hahaha! oh...pun. I kill myself.)

Hmmm...this ties into the avoiding thing that I started with. Avoiding my room/cleaning it. Ahh how life just comes full circle sometimes. :)

ZZZZZzzzzzz.....

The holidays are always a blast in my family. They are ALWAYS loud and ALWAYS full of laughter. Sometimes they end in major blowouts of ohmigod-ANGER! luckily that hasn't really happened as of late...PHEW! This year was pretty darn great sans a few incidents on the parental level and I was very grateful since I'm leaving and who the hell likes to leave for a long period of time with bad blood EWW blood! in the air? Although I am kind of leaving with some but that one isn't entirely my fault and it's sucky but I can deal with that and get to it later because YES I'm a procrastinator and an avoider which is why I have my stupid problems with depression, anxiety, and all my other crap....

All I have to say is that I got some pretty flipping spectacular gifts for Christmas this year. I know what you're thinking, "Dang Ellen, isn't this supposed to be the season of GIVING not GETTING??" Why yes, annoying voice in my head that always makes me feel guilty for everything, it IS the season of giving. I DID give things to people *dirty* just not as many things as I usually do because I be broke but people understand my poorness and aren't too offended. Especially the ones that tell me they'll hurt me if I buy them something...love you too Aunt Anne... But I'll, hopefully, be able to buy them all something from somewhere in Europe. Not to self: make a list of people I like enough to buy them presents.

So back to these awesome gifts. For realz I can't decide which one is my favorite! Like I said the other day I got a Eurail travel book for secret santa. It's pretty much awesome. Then I got a snitch locket. YES, I said a SNITCH locket. I about died when I opened it because who has, let alone makes, Snitch lockets?! OMG it was sooooo AWESOME! Well, still is because I still have it. I looooove it! Thinking about it makes me want to jump up and down. THEN my good ol' (no, not old, ol') friend Denise bought some cool stuff, my favorite of which is the spoon ring. I've wanted a flipping spoon ring for YEARS and I could never ever never find one so I was always sad but now the sadness can end because I have a spoon ring and she found it for me, awesome.

My momma got me lots of clothes, which I actually liked which is somewhat of an accomplishment because I literally NEVER like what she buys me. We have mucho differento tastes in clothes. Ironically though, most of them didn't fit. Too big...damn you weight loss only not because I really like it. But we went to the store today and we returned and got some new stuff. So, YAY!

I also got some books double YAY and some movies. lovelovelove!

So onto the 'drama' side of my holiday season. My fatha. *drum roll* *end drum roll*

He's a poo-poo head!! OK! I'm sorry for my crass language...

I don't even really know where to begin so I think I'll say it quick. I wasn't invited to his side of the family's Christmas party. BOOHOO. I was sad and everything but it was kind of a relief because I really don't like going there anyway because I don't know anyone on that side of the family because he NEVER invites me to any of the family functions. And no, I'm not exaggerating. Ask my mom. :P Anywho, he sent me some money for my trip, and no, not $20...which is kind of surprising because my dad is a cheapskate. But I'm grateful so that' all that matters...though I really don't know if I'm going to use said money because I just don't know how I feel about it...oh therapy, how I need you so...

BLAH!

Sorry, I was feeling it so I said it.

I enjoy the holidays, they just make me tired. Plus I don't think that playing 'Just Dance' on the Wii for like three hours helped AT ALL. But the shopping and the family time and the cookie baking...when does it end?! AHHHH!

And on top of it all, I now have packing to do. And shopping. I hate shopping. BLARRR!!!! Luckily I have people who want to go with me to spend time with me, but really, I call it, watch Ellen shop and keep her sane time. hehe ;)

I'm basically freaking out

OMG MY TRIP IS LITERALLY AROUND THE CORNER AND I'M HAVING A MAJOR FREAK OUT! (*salute Major Freak Out.*)AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO WRITE THIS POST IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I JUST FEEL LIKE YELLING. I WANNA YELL, OK?!?!?! BLAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I seriously cannot put into words my excitement for Switzerland in two weeks. TWO WEEKS! It's coming and I'm NOT ready yet. I have so much crap to do it's literally making me hyperventilate. Why am I such a procrastinator?! Why am I taking this ridiculous LGI class at work when I could be busy, ya know, getting ready?! Again, AHHHHH!!!!
I think I need a slap in the face.

Or a shot.

Or maybe both.

But I found out last night that when I drink I just get more hyper, so perhaps a shot would be ill advised because I'll just end up dancing around my friend's apartment singing Ingrid Michaelson's "Be OK" for absolutely no good reason other than that's my subconcious trying to reassure myself so I don't puke everywhere out of sheer madness and fright of the coming weeks. Or I'll just stand by her huge ass window (hehe, ass window...) staring out at the courtyard with a blankness to my face while Denise and Si giggle about TextsFromLastNight. OMG WHY DO I DO ANYTHING?!

So, reason for the freakout of ohmygodness. I got a travel book. A goddamned travel book. Who in their right mind freaks out because of a travel book for the Eurail?!I'm so pathetic! I think I need a paper bag...

I honestly don't know where my emotions are lying. All at the same time I want to jump up and down. Then I want to scream. Then I was to cry. Then I want to run away and hide from all of the responsibility that I'm going to be having placed on my shoulders and all I really want to do is drive REALLY fast backwards so as to reverse the earth's orbit so that I can befive years old again so that I can not have to do anything and instead eat cookies and take naps while snuggling with my Pooh Bear. Why can't life just be easy?!

Iiiiiiiiiiiiii Can't Do This.

Ok, maybe I can. But it's just SO daunting! Somebody save me!!!!!!

Farfanugen

Yes, I just said farfanugen and no I will not take it back.

Some words you just gotta say and farfanugen is one of them today.

Today we shall be exploring why the question of, why in the hell do men not make any sense. Ok. Ready? Because we're starting.

This guy from my class (no, not annoying Patrick) and I have been seeing each other for about two months now. His name is Jason and he is a 23 year old frat boy. (Yes, a frat boy. I know you're shocked because who in their right mind actually likes a frat boy when you are not a sorority girl? Which he told me a should be btw and made me want to both jump off the library AND vomit at the same time.) Anywho...I like him and he likes me. He just doesn't stay consistent in the whole, I-like-you-so-I'm-going-to-make-sure-you-know-it game.

When we first started talking he was super flirty and super sweet. We joked around (a.k.a.-I made fun of him with my sarcastic smart-assery and he tried to understand whatever the hell I was saying) and we picked on each other for going to rival high schools. (Side note: St. Vincent-St. Mary kicks ass an anyone who thinks otherwise is a pantlicking fool.)

He asked to hang out with me a lot (which was a new thing for me because I'm a planner and boys I have liked tended to just wait for me to suggest something) which I loved! We would go to the movies and cuddle up next to each other then go to his house and smooch for a while. :)

Then I spent the three days before Thanksgiving break with him. He got so drunk he blacked out(don't ever drink three Fou Locos) and I told him he was being a total jerk (and a tool, but I kept that to myself). After break he barely talked to me or looked at me in our classes together. Lame.

The other night I was at my friend's 21st birthday and I invited him over to eat some cheesecake but he had to write lots of papers for finals this week. I said he was lame but that it was cool. Wes all gots to study, yo.

Later he texted me and said sorry for being evasive, and that he didn't know what I wanted him to say. He said he thinks I'm great but he isn't looking for a relationship.

SDFGTHUJKOLHYGTREFDVGBHNJKHGFDSDFG!
*and breathe*

First of all, I'm leaving the country in literally three weeks. I'm not looking for a relationship either. That's stupid. What. The. Fuck.

Secondly, I never told him I wanted a relationship. Alls I want is someone to hang out with and snuggle with because I'm a cuddle whore and I don't care who knows it. I told him I liked him and that I didn't see a problem with us just hanging out. I don't have any expectations-yes I know all men believe all women have pre-planned expectations because they are all certifiable, well not this woman (i'm still a girl!!!), I'm just certifiable.

So he said that was good.

Yes. Very good indeed, Ellen.

But where is the blazes does that leave us?!

Hang on, I'll tell you...

IT LEAVES US IN THE BIG DARK ABYSS OF EVASIVE LAND. *cue daunting music*

I mean, God forbid I ask and he think I'm still "pressing the issue" (his words, not mine). Why is it soo horrible to ask?! So now I feel like a ninny every time I hear from him because I get excited that he's ACTUALLY calling or texting me and then my mind goes into hyper-drive of "So he's calling me but does he REALLY want to be talking to me right now when he could be off in la-la land playing Call of Duty and killing zoombies/communists/zoombie-communists?! He could be doing anything, why in the name of all that is holy is he talking to me?! BLAAAARRR!!!!! I'm gross and stupid and annoying and I burp a lot. How is it that he is thinking, this girl could be someone that doesn't make me want to hurl a thousand chunks of hot pockets out of my belly..." (Basically this is the way my brain runs, and yes it goes further. Don't question it. Just deal.)

SO you doesn't want a relationship. Big. Flipping. Deal. You started off ACTING like you did, but I get it, you can change your mind. It's your perrogative as a woman. Just stop confusing the ever living madness out of me.

I'm confused. Perhaps I'll egg his house. :)

[Editor's note: I posted this, the guy read it. We had words. Now we're-ahem-"just friends" which is fine because he's been acting like an even BIGGER jerk.]

People bug me

I know I wrote already today but this, this I just need to get off my large female chest...

People are dumb. I mean, DUMB. I don't understand them sometimes. I'm lucky that there are a quite few people that are NOT so dumb that I'm lucky enough to call my friends. Thanks GOD.

Anyway, there has been this guy that has been texting me a lot the past few days. We'll call him Patrick since that's his real name. (No, I'm not going to "protect his identity") He is the reason for this post.

I met him over the summer in one of my classes. He's a sweet guy and he likes me A LOT. Sometimes too much I think... He texts me non-stop. Sometimes it makes me smile and sometimes I want to throw my phone against the wall so as to stop it from ringing off the hook...though it may continue ringing even if I did that because he probably has some supernatural powers that enable him to magically make my phone recieve his text messages even though it's in a million pieces scattered across my floor. Then I'll just have to fling myself into the frozen pond behind my house in order to escape his obnoxiousness.

This is why he bugs me. And no, I don't think that I'm being horribly judgemental because my friends think he's being ridiculous too...

1.(as I said before) he NEVER stops talking to me... EXAMPLE!

Patrick: Ugh, your day hectic?
(6 hous later)
Patrick: Sorry I kept you up last night.
Me: It's ok! (puts phone away expecting conversation to be over)
Patrick: I'm sorry, regardless. Of course, if you weren't so fascinating I wouldn't have had a reason to keep you up. So, technically, it's your fault :P (BARF!)
(two and a half hours later)
Patrick: You seem to be a busy girl tonight.
Me: no response...

I know that I should be grateful that a guy is talking to me and everything, but come on...this is a little MUCH.

2. He will send me like 3 texts regarding different things if I don' respond within 35.4 seconds. EXAMPLE!

Patrick: (12:36) Ah. Well, apparently, you don't see yourself clearly. Your mind is amazing, your (sic) beautiful (by my definitin, wich is the hardest dfinition of beauty there is), and you have a strength and perseverance that shoue be revered. I'm sorry if i'm too forward with all of this, but you should know the truth.
Patrick: (12:39) See, most ofyou guys would never tell you that because they know that most girls like asshole guys. I've never been good at being an asshole.
Patrick: (12:44) What?
Patrick: (12:49) I'm sorry if I said something wrong.

Ok. Here's the things. I was in class. GIVING A PRESENTATION. Geez...

3. I feel like he lays the flattery on waaayyy too thick. It's nice to be complimented, but if you say stuff TOO often, it just seems to be ingenuine. Is that wrong of me? I mean, he's making me feel a little uncomfortable. Uncomfortable as in I want to run away in horror screaming as if I was set on fire. That, is how uncomfortable I feel. Well, ok, that may have been SLIGHTLY over exaggrated...but I feel as though it is necessary for this particular sitcheation.

Thoughts?

Tell me I'm not crazy! (well, past the normal amount that I already am...)

Being a Girl SUCKS! (hehehe)

I hate being a girl. Life is just made wayy too difficult by having ovaries. Man have it way to easy. They just have to be worried about the potential ball crunch whereas women have to be worried about their uterus attacking them and leaking disgustingness for five to seven days. Ball crunch-avoidable. Period- not so much.

And yes I'm writing this today because my uterus has decided to be a ninja and sneak attack me. no I'm not one of those anal girls who marks her calendar for when her period is to show up. I just think hmmm...it's about that time and a day later it's like BAM! I hate it. Every month I can't move for fear of making it angrier...grr...

Another thing. Men don't have to give birth or carry a parasite around for nine months. What the crap is that?! no, i have no actual experience with this, but I have a feeling that if I ever get pregnant and give birth I will be berating the man who knocked me up...just sayin' They just get everything sooo easy.

Plus, men can be kind of worthless. They are stupid and confusing and they make me angry. This guy I have been seeing for about a month now has been messing with my mind and it's confusing the hell out of me. One minute he's all cute and I want to snuggle with him and then the next he's playing some sort of mind fuck that I can't understand so I'm left in a tizzy. Oh humanity..!

Another thing is that being a girl, you have to deal with other girls. Now, I love my friends that are girls but that's because they are like me and relatively NOT insane. Yes, we all have our moments but that's because we're female and we can't help estrogen. It's there. It causes problems.

It's the stupid ones that act all slutty that make me angry. Hello people, let's have some class so as to not set the female sex back 150 years. I think the women of the sixties are very angry with your for your brazen behavior. I mean, there's a difference between being liberal and being revealing. Leave SOMETHING to the imagination.

I know this is possible. I do it all the time. I am a member of the big chested female club and my nipples aren't flying out of my top.

That's another thing. Boobs. They are a major pain *salute-Major Pain*. I hate them. They get in the way and they hurt. Boys like them but girls don't. Although at work last these three girls came in to swim. Pretty much all they talked about were their boobs...I was highly disturbed... Being a girl is dumb...I do like that we're smarter though. :)

Sorry this has turned into an angry rant, but hey, sometimes it's needed.

Is it possible?

This is my question of the day: Is it possible to be so overwhelmingly stressed that you have no idea where to start the monumental amount of work you KNOW you need to get done, yet just feel so good and so happy?

Apparently, it is.

The past few weeks have literally been a blur. I have no idea how it's December 8th and that this semester is basically over. Thank the Lord, btw, because I really don't kow how much longer i could take all this learning... This week I had two days of super hell! So. Much. Writing. I never want to leave that much writing until the last moment again. Though sadly, I know that I will because I am a true procrastinator.

Anyway, I got it alllll done! I felt soo relieved afterward. So I went home and celebrated by making the most delicious chicken parm I have ever made (seeing as it was the ONLY chicken parm I have ever personally made...but still.) And brownies. YUM! I love food...hahaha! I'm so glad I have an appetite again...

At therapy this week I realized something kind of awesome. I'm happy. Do you know how weird it is to say that?! Because it is! I haven't said those two simple words in I don't know how long. I've told people they make me happy, but I haven't just, in general, felt genuinely happy. I've always had some stupid worry getting me down or something stupid that I thought was making my world crash down around me. If I've learned one thing over the past few months it's that nothing is as bad as we think it is and that if you just give yourself some time, you'll figure things out. I need to give myself more credit for things I do...I am a great person (she says so humbly...)

And I LIKE being happy. I'm giddy, like all the time. I make silly comments and silly faces and I just have fun. I try not to worry about what other people think of me because I can't be anything other than myself, and I like myself. THIS IS SO WEIRD THAT I'M THINKING THESE THINGS!

Yes, I still miss the butt face, especially since, for some reason. he has been on my mind a lot this week, and no, I don't know why. I told my therapist I had a weird feeling and he immediately popped into my thoughts and that I think something may have happened with the "hoe" because when they started dating I got a similar feeling, he thinks I'm very "intune with the universe." I just think I'm psychic. Same thing? But I still feel happy. I'm able to keep going. When he pops into my head I'm all like, CRAAAPPP, go away! and then I focus my energy elsewhere. Like, GENEVA!

Geneva is seriously right around the corner. I think somewhere in the ballpark of 22ish days. I didn't count on a calander. I leave January 3rd! AHHH!!! It's sooo close! There was a meeting on Saturday all about travelling and stuff and I just cannot wait to be there and see EVERYTHING because I WILL see EVERYTHING. This is NOT a want or a goal, it's a mandated, do it or die situation. When the heck else am I going to get to go to Europe?! Honest answer: probably never since I've chosen a career in which I will be supa poor! WOOO!

Anyway, when I'm there I'll be writing about my cool adventures. Maybe THEN I'll get some followers...and if not, whatever! :)

P.S.- IT NEEDS TO STOP SNOWING.

The End.