*sigh*

So the past couple of days have not been fun...I don't know what it is but I've gotten worse. I thought I was finally starting to get a little better, but it's been everything in my not to cry. Instead, I just sigh about a thousand times a day. All I feel like doing, again, is calling Erik and saying hi to him...yes, I know this is a bad idea. But I just miss him that much... But what good would this really do me?

Honestly, probably nothing...he'll still feel the need to be on his own. He'll still need his 'space' and I'll still be left completely heartbroken. I just want to feel like a normal, happy woman again. Is that really too much to ask?!
I stumbled upon this nifty little information on search of pictures...There is an actual heart affliction that some doctors and scientists believe is caused by a broken heart. According to doctors at John Hopkins, extreme and sudden emotional distress can result in heart muscle weakness, often resembling the weakness caused by a heart attack. This is, scientifically, called stress cardiomyopathy, but commonly known as "broken heart" syndrome.
This syndrome is caused by a surge of adrenaline and other stress hormones that temporarily "stun" the heart. The good thing here is that the damage is not permanent! To read the article from John Hopkins, follow this link:
http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/press_releases/2005/02_10_05.html

Not gonna lie...this explains a lot of the pains I was having initially...

I wish I could be in Neverland

Growing up I always loved my Disney movies, I mean, who didn't? My all time favorite has always been, and will always be, Peter Pan. My mom used to tell that I would ask her if I could change my name to Wendy. Probably because I wanted to fly and hang out with mermaids and Peter, and the name change would make that possible (gotta love my childhood mentality). I don't know what has always drawn me to this story, but it has. I think as I got a little older and was often called upon as the "dependable child" the concept of a Neverland became that much nearer and dearer to my heart.
Recently I bought the book Peter Pan, by J.M. Barrie. Reading it makes me a little sad because I feel like my childhood is so far away from me. I just turned twenty, so my teenage years are behind me and my childhood is even further. Lately I've wanted nothing more than to be a little kid again. Don't get me wrong, for the most part I enjoy my life, it's just the recent changes, as you know, that I am not a fan of. I don't know, I feel like Neverland, with it's scathing pirates and foreboding forests, would be something much easier to deal with. Maybe it's because I want nothing more than to flee from my life. Nothing feels right to me anymore. My future feels so dark and gloomy. I feel like I'm destined to be alone, no matter how many times people tell me that I'm crazy. I can't help how I feel though, it's just the way that it is. I would love to fix everything, I mean, I AM a fixer after all...but I know that I probably can't. That would call for something I know that I'm not ready for, at least not right now, no matter how much I wish I was ready...I'll make it there someday, and if I don't, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. That thought makes me extremely sad...

If I had one wish, it would be to meet Peter Pan and be whisked off to the second star to the right.

What makes a family?

Last night on my way home from my grandmother's house, my mom and I had a major heart-to-heart. She and I talk a lot, but usually just about random silly things. Sometimes we do have some really great conversations. Last night for instance we were talking about our family, especially my dad. See, my parents have been divorced for about thirteen years now, and I haven't really ever had a relationship with my Dad. He's a nice guy, sometimes, but usually he's just a jerk. He has never really treated me or my brother, and certainly not my Mom. Over the years I have just grown to accept that I will never have a good, even semi-decent relationship, with the man with whom I share some genes with.

My Mom was getting upset when I was talking to her about it though because she feels bad that she, "picked the wrong man" and she regrets that my brother and I had to go through all of the crap he has put us through. I don't see it that way though. I mean, what IS a family anyway? For me, it's a group of people who love each other unconditionally and no matter what and who would do anything to protect their family and pick them up when they have fallen. My Dad doesn't fit into any of these categories.

For example, last year I asked my Dad to help me buy a car. And by that I meant that I wanted my Dad to co-sign a loan so I could get a car. He would never have to make a payment and I promised him that. But one day he called me and said he bought a car for me and that I could just pay him back over time. First of all, this car is kinda junky. It gets me from point A to point B, but it's usually an adventure because of all of the loud noises he likes to me, yeah, I named him Carlisle(no, not after Twilight). Anyway, after I made my first payment to him he told me that I didn't need to pay him back anymore. This surprised me, but to this day he complains to my brother, "I bought your sister that car, why doesn't she ever call me?" My question here is, "Where were all of your phone calls while I was growing up? Did I just miss all of them?"

This is my family, my Mom and my brother. I have my extended family but my family are those two people. When I was dating Erik, he became my family, but now I have to let that go... These are the two people that I can trust and depend on everyday no matter what. They are the best family I could ever ask for! :)

How does this work exactly?

How can you just let go of something (or someone) that has meant the world to you? Over the past couple of months I have been trying extremely hard to let go of the one person who meant everything to me. This unexplainable pain and emptiness and sadness that won't go away...I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Life just seems so pointless sometimes that doing anything short of hiding in my bed seems like the worst idea ever.
I have found that all I have been doing with my life lately is trying to keep myself busy. Fill my time with fun activities with friends. I love my friends for helping me stay as busy as possible, but nothing seems to be helping. I used to be such an optimistic person who would try and build everyone up. I put everyone's needs before mine, I still do, because I love helping other people and making sure that they are OK. Now, I don't know how to take care of myself and make things better for me and what my needs are. How can I do that? I can't even concentrate half of the time because my mind just wanders to the one person that I never see or talk to and that I miss more that I have ever missed anyone.
Lately, something inside me has been telling me to hold on. I can feel it in my heart and it's just saying, wait a little longer...but how can this be? Why can't I just say, "Enough! He doesn't want to be with me any longer, suck it up and move on!" It would be so nice if I could do that...it would be nice to let go and feel like I can breathe again. I miss feeling happy and strong and like nothing could go wrong because I am in love with my best friend. That was the best feeling in the entire world...

So I have been reading a lot lately. I've always loved reading, and the amount I have been reading wouldn't be surprising for an earlier phase in my life, but now I'm amazed. Since my breakup all I've wanted to do is hide in my bed and snuggle up with a good book. I've been reading mostly frivilous things, as well as books to help better myself. One of my favorites that I read just this past week is Remind me Again Why I Need a Man, by Claudia Carroll. HILARIOUS!

It's about a woman, named Amelia, and her friends, the "Lovely Girls." She's on a quest to find a husband within the year, and to find him she has to meet up with all of her previous (note that I don't use the work 'ex-'...I hate that word!) significant others. Throughout this fatanstic and ridiculous story you come to realize along with Amelia, that being single can't be half as bad as being in some of the relationships that she's been in. If you want to find out more about this novel, check it out at this website: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Remind-Me-Again-why-I-Need-a-Man/Claudia-Carroll/e/9780061140549

Another great book that I highly recommend is The Zahir by Paulo Cohello. This is a story about a French writer whose wife, a journalist, left him without a word. Throughout the novel you go through the journey of the author realizing how he lost her and why and what he needs to do in order to get her back. He learns how to love her in a new way and, with the help of an old friend of hers, he discovers who he truly is. This is a truly inspiring novel that helped bring me out of the brunt of my sadness. If you would like to learn more about this book, check it out:

http://www.harpercollins.com/books/The-Zahir-Paulo-Coelho/?isbn=9780060832810

Happy Reading!!

My mom was telling me about a personality quiz that I should take. It's a quiz to find out what kind of animal you would be. The questions are all really weird, based on things you never would have thought you could determine a personality upon. Anyway, I took this quiz and I found it pretty accurate for me.





I found out that I'm a penguin! I have many different facets to my personality and everyone sees me in a different light. I haven't decided if this is a good thing yet, but penguins sure are cute! Awesome, right?

If you would like to take this quiz, click on the link below! Have fun!

http://www.animalinyou.com

Well, here goes nothing...

So I've never actually thought about writing a blog. To be completely honest, I've always thought it a bit strange just because it's online and the whole Internet thing can scare the begeesus out of me...but here goes nothing.

I'm a twenty year old, living in Ohio, trying to make it through college and keeping myself as busy as possible. In the past couple of months I've had my life turned upside down...well for me anyway. I'm not trying to be dramatic, it's just the way I'm feeling. My boyfriend, and best friend, of the past two and a half years broke my heart suddenly. YAY life...not. Anyway, I'm just trying to do new things and experience life. Hence the blog. I'm trying to write out how I'm feeling and what I'm doing...not that I'm expecting anyone to read this silly thing of mine.

I feel like I have one thing that is totally major to look forward to: Geneva, Switzerland. That's where I'll be studying abroad next year and I'm totally psyched! It's gonna be legen-wait for it-dary! (Ok, fyi, I LOVE How I Met Your Mother...Best. Show. Ever.)

So, I hope you join me as I take each day to get out of my heartbreak and work toward this amazing goal in my very short future :)

P.S.- I like to think I'm witty, apologies if I'm not.