Something I love about myself...

...this one is harder. I mean, who thinks about what they love about themselves, right? Weirdly enough, I know this post is going to be short, just because it's hard for me to talk about what I like about myself. I can talk all day about how I hate how I look, but talking about what is so 'totally awesome' about me is just a lot harder. Plain and simple. But I guess, upon some contemplation, that I love my quirks. I'm quirky. I've got the quirks. Plus, it's just a fun word... (hehe...)

Anyway, I'm silly. I love being silly. It makes life that much more interesting, ya know? I mean, who doesn't like to laugh? Except maybe Oscar the Grouch, but ironically, he is shown smiling in all of his pictures...look it up, I'm not kidding. Well, my quirks. I don't know how to fully describe them, they're just there. I like the quick comeback and the quick joke about a comment someone makes. To hang with me, one must have a quick brain like me, otherwise you're going to get lost. And I mean literally lost. I've got friends to prove it. I also talk in circles so if you pay attention, you'll catch on eventually. Well, maybe. HA!

Something you Hate about yourself

I've been pondering this all morning. It wasn't hard to think of things that I don't particularly like about myself, but hate? It's such a harsh word...but something I did come up with!

I've always been a hard-worker and I've always tried to make things just right. And I'm not talking just looking right or sounding right, but every little detail. I like things to be as nice as possible for everyone. I'm not so worried about myself in these instances as others...it's just how my brain works. So basically what I hate about my self is my obsession with the way I want things to be.

I don't know how I got this way. I think, perhaps, it stems from my childhood...when my parents got divorced I think I thought, "Maybe, just maybe, if I work my butt off and get good grades, no one will notice that my parents aren't together. And my parents will be proud and will still love me." (Not that they ever did...I was seven ok?! I didn't realize they would always love me just because they created me.) Well, from there I think that it just grew...I mean, I've liked the hard work, but I wonder what kind of person I would be if I hadn't taken that path...and that just weirds me out so we're going to leave that. At least for now...

Through out school and work, I've always wanted everyone to be happy. I'm a people pleaser. If I didn't do something to their liking, I'd fix it until it was right. I'd rather give something to someone than get something. I'm always picking up the pieces. Some of my friends call me "Mom" just because I'm always there to take care of them and help them out of a tight spot. It doesn't really bother me. I'm just responsible. I had to grow up pretty fast.

My obsession to make things just right has created other problems for me too. I like to make sure that when something is supposed to happen on a specific day or at a specific time that it does. So I get stuck in routines. People are creatures of habit, but I get used to things very quickly. I know now that this became a problem in my relationship with Erik.

(I'm sorry, I know I brought it up...but I feel like this is important for me to get off of my chest...)

With Erik, we saw each other every Wednesday and Sunday because that's how our work and school schedules worked. We planned it that way. We tried to see each other a couple other days for lunch or something like that, but we always saw each other those days. The fact that I always knew when I was going to see him was nice, but I think it also put a terrible strain on our relationship. I got expectations, and when they were broken because of other plans I got upset. I don't know why. He wasn't trying to intentionally hurt me. I was so stupid. I just loved seeing him so much that when I thought it wasn't going to happen I got really upset. Why couldn't I just go with the flow?!

When I realized all of that, I got really upset with myself. Who the hell possessed me to do all of that crazy stuff? That isn't me! I'm not like that! Ugh...Why would I screw up the one relationship that was most important to me?? I would love to fix this with Erik, but I know that I need to fix this with myself first. I've been trying more and more since April to just go with the flow. When people don't know specific details I just wait. If they need to cancel, it's cool. It's getting easier. Why should I be all uptight about small, unimportant things? It's stupid and just causes drama. I hate drama!

30 Days of Truth

Last week my friend Denise got this idea from another blogger in the bloggisphere to truthfully answer thirty questions. So I've decided, after he blessing, to do the same thing.

I feel like I should do this. I'm sick of just writing over and over again about my sad, sad life...I'm sorry everyone. I know it's boring, sad, and pathetic. Just like me!

So. Starting tomorrow I shall begin this journey. I feel like it's going to be a really good thing.

Deep breaths...

I am grateful

Sometimes I think I forget how awesome my friends truly are. I don't know how I would get on without them, mainly because that would mean I have to be alone all of the time and I hate the feeling of being alone, especially now. Loneliness is scary but sometimes I think that it's something you have to go through. Believe me, I am not a fan. But maybe you have to be able to conquer that loneliness to truly enjoy the company of others...but I digress....

Things that I'm grateful for. These are things you don't think about often. I mean, who goes up to someone or says to them self, I am sooo grateful for blah blah blah. But this is my list...
1.My family: They are a crazy, crazy bunch. But I love them! They are always there, no matter how much they irk me or bother me. They are my family and I can always go to them no matter what.
2. My friends: They are an exceptional bunch. I only have a few, but I love them. They have helped me so much, especially over the past few months. I love you guys!
3. My health: I may joke that I'm falling apart, but really, I'm doing pretty good. Yes, I may wish that my knees didn't suck so much but hey, what can you do, right?
4. God: I'm not a super religious person, but I believe that God is out there somewhere. I pray and I hope that God listens and that what I need from him happens. It's all a be abyss of, "what's going to happen and why is this happening to me?!", which again, I am not a fan of, but I don't think God gives us anything that we can't handle. No matter how poorly you truly think you're handling it...
5. My education: I've always worked hard for good grades because I've wanted to do better for myself. I know it's up to me and what I make of everything that is given to me and everything that I have to work for.

For me, I just need to remember all of these things, especially during those "dark days" that I tend to have. What are you grateful for??

Breakthrough

Yesterday I had a breakthrough. It wasn't anything that I didn't already know, but someone said it to me. And I said it too. Out loud. For me to hear and not just to think. For some reason saying things out loud helps, no matter how hard it is to actually say these things out loud. *deep breaths*

So this breakthrough. I realized that I have to be happy first. I knew this already, but saying it really made it click. What will make me happy? I don't completely know, but I'm tired of sitting in limbo land waiting for something that, honestly, is never going to come. I can't wait forever for someone I love to love me back. Because it's ludicrous. Yes, I will always love Erik. But I'm not going to wait for him to wake up and realize that he still loves me or that he can't live without me. More than likely, this will NEVER happen. I need to stop waiting. If he wanted to be with me, he would have contacted me already. That hurts but you know what? I'm going to be just fine!!! Yes world, I've said it. I'm going to be fine! I want to feel alive again. I want to actually be happy and not by mopey all of the time because I'm just letting life pass me by and what's the point in that?!

I want to move on. It makes me sad that it's time for that because I will always love Erik. There's nothing I can do about that. Lately I've been thinking about him less which should be a good thing to most people but this makes me sad. I've always thought about him. I've never had to force it, he just kinda pops into my thoughts and I liked that. What I do know is that moving on isn't about finding some new guy to escort me around town. I'm far from ready for that. It isn't fair to me emotionally and it definitely isn't fair to any guy that is in to me. So, what do I do? I figure out who I am again as a single woman. Omg I cannot believe I'm calling myself a woman! Ahhh!! In high school I found my confidence. It took awhile but once I did I didn't care what anyone thought because I was happy with the type of person I had become and that's what matters. I still feel that way, I just feel less secure in that feeling because...well, I don't know exactly why, but it's ok, I'll figure it out.

Self discovery is awesome. I'll get there some day. Probably sooner than I think.

Cheers!

A couple of weeks ago my grandma finally sold her house. Since then my mom has been up at her house almost everyday cleaning it out and helping her pack before she moves into her new senior abode. It's funny though because sometimes I feel like my mom thinks that cleaning out my grandma's house means just moving it all to out house! (Which, by the way, has waaayy too much crap in it anyway...) Yesterday I went up to her house with my mom and helped wrap her beautiful antique China that she is sending to my aunt in Wisconsin. Can you say, "Holy, Crap?!" It was so so pretty and I was kind of sad to see it being packed up and sent away, but it's pretty much the only thing my aunt wanted, and seeing as I'm a grandkid and not a kid, I figured I'd let them all choose what they wanted first. Fair right? I thought so.

Anyway, I did get some stuff yesterday...I got these really pretty raspberry colored globes that could probably be used for a vase, but I'll probably just put them on a bookshelf. But it's ok because they were my grandmother's and my great-grandmother's before that, so yay! And then, I got something awesome. Cookbooks! The last year I've been wanting to learn to cook and I've been learning some things and getting better at it, but I think these books are pretty flippin' sweet! One of them, that I find super great, is called "Any Idiot can Cook with Simple Southern Recipes." Love it!! Plus it has these hilarious cartoons drawn on the inside by the recipes, which just makes it that much better. Hopefully I'll be able to make some of them and post some of the recipes I find successful on here.

Happy Saturday everyone!

Sometimes I wonder why things work the way that they do. One minute you're happy and then BAM! bye bye happiness...

It's hard for me not to wonder why these things happen...especially to people that always have bad stuff happen to them. And I'm not talking about me...I know a lot of people that just can't seem to catch a break and then there are those that aren't the greatest(not that I should judge) and get everything they want...it just isn't fair. And yeah, I know that life isn't fair and what not. blah blah blah...it shouldn't be like that! It's not right. Not at all. For once I'd like to get what I want without having to wait and work my ass off to get it. I'm getting sick of being in pain and worrying about how I'm going to get through my day. It. SUCKS. I just want to be happy again and I don't know how to be. I've been trying for months now and I just can't seem to get my footing. Every time I feel like I do I feel like the rug gets pulled out from under my feet and the universe just points and says, "Ha Ha, Ellen, think again! You aren't supposed to be happy, we don't know what on Earth you were thinking...idiot." And I'm all like, "What did I do wrong this time?? Why can't I ever do anything right and just be happy?" Wanna know what the universe says?? "That's too damn bad, so get over it!"

This is basically what goes through my head anyway....I like having these inane conversations in my head just to drive myself crazy. I'm a real peach.